In the desert - but not forgotten

One of my very favorite places in the world has, for many years, been the desert. I'm not sure why. For many people the desert is barren and dry with little beauty. For me, the barrenness is part of the beauty. When the landscape isn't crowded by grass and trees and buildings, you can see the specks of color and beauty much more clearly.

Perhaps the other reason I love the desert is Hosea 2:14, "But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there." The first time I went to the desert (physically) God was using it to begin to draw me to His heart. It would be many years later before I finally responded to His voice, but it was a start to begin to see beauty.

I am reminded of that during my desert times now. It may take awhile as I am still hard-headed and prideful, but He keeps me in the desert until my eyes refocus and I see the beauty in the lessons learned there. I don't always like it initially, but it is where He shows me His greatest love. It is here that He draws me to be alone with Him, to experience both rebuke and encouragement. It is in the desert times that His beauty comes into focus and He makes my life more beautiful as well.

There is a struggle, however, with the desert time. You see, the desert is home to many snakes, poisonous snakes. The spiritual desert is no different. The Serpent and his minions like to hang out here and try to bite and scare us away from the lessons of the desert. Some people never get away to this place of quiet contemplation and beauty because they allow the Serpent or his minions to scare them away. Yes, their rattles are a scary sound. But the rattles are a sound of their fear - knowing that the most beautiful lessons are found in the desert.

I've said all of that to help you see my most recent desert experience. The lesson is painfully beautiful - I'm still picking out thorns, but I definitely see the beauty of the cactus flower. I was struggling with the thought that I was a simple convenience. In life, in relationships, when I was helpful or able to contribute, people wanted me around. Otherwise, I felt forgotten. Sometimes it is a hard place being single, but then again I don't think being married prevents the feelings of being forgotten either (squirrel). It was like people knew I would be there and always be available to help - I was dependable. But there were stretches of time that I felt as though no one wanted to be with me, just for relationship and the bonds of knowing and being known. Yes. I will acknowledge these as very dangerous thoughts and a significant distortion of the truth. I am loved and known and being known, but I was still listening to the rattling lies.

So God did what He so sweetly does sometimes and dropped me right into the middle of the desert where the sounds of the rattles got louder. It became harder to not hear the lies and as I moved around trying to escape, I kept falling into thorny cacti. Ouch. And then I cried out - God, what am I supposed to learn? Please, the pain is great and I am scared. And then the rain began.

There is nothing like rain in the desert. The smell is amazing and following it brings green and flowers and beauty that is amazing. And in the rain I heard, "My child, you are never forgotten." Isaiah 49:16, "Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands..." God, I don't think I feel forgotten by you - I know you are always there. Oh, but there is always more...

"Carrie, you have asked why you feel as though sometimes you are just a commodity or convenience. Your help is asked for when needed, but you feel as though otherwise, you are simply a token. People know you are dependable, and aren't going anywhere. So you sometimes feel neglected when you  feel you aren't just loving and living life with others. Relationship that is about just being. Your expectations in the moment aren't being met and you listen to the rattles. Am I right?"

You're God. You made me. You know me better than anyone so of course you are right.

"I want you to try this idea on then. Do you take me for granted? Don't you think I want to just be with you - to be known by you, without expectation? I just want to live life with you - love you and be loved by you. Yet how often do you treat me just as a token - someone who will always be there, dependable, but when not needed, neglected."

Ummm.....

"I appreciate the time you spend in prayer, and in my word; but I want more. I want you to be with me out of the sheer joy and love of being, not so you can check me off a list. Yes, I will bring you into the desert to win your heart back. I will let you hear the lies, but will offer you my truth. That truth is that I want you - no expectation. Don't relegate me to times of help, live and love with me everyday. Do you want to experience the joy of relationship with me?"

Of course I do.

Psalm 16:11, "You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore."

"Stay in my presence daughter. If you want to experience that fullness of joy, live life with me. Not because you have to but because you want me more than anything. Taste my love - I want you. No expectation. Just life with you. Then as you know this deep love with me, you will be able to hear beyond the lies of the Serpent and know that I have given you those who do enjoy life with you. Let them love you. No expectation. For as you spend time in my presence, you will find fullness of joy in every area of your life. You will bring my joy with you and people like that in you. Not because of you, but because you are living life with me. Does this make sense?"

Yes. It does. I do want you, but I haven't really been living like that. I have been expecting you to just be there when needed, but not pursuing much beyond that. I do want your fullness of joy - it can't be manufactured. It isn't dependent on life - just on you. Yes, let's do that. And thank you for helping me to hear the lies for what they are. Develop my joy and communion with others as I go deeper into that filling from you. I feel your rain and see the blooms. Thank you for this time in the desert.