What do I know of Holy?

I have no idea what made me think about blogging again. I mean it's been well over a year. I can write and sometimes I can be quite lengthy. Mostly though, it's when I am trying to say what's on my heart because it doesn't always come out of my mouth the way it comes out of my hands. Does that make sense to anyone at all????? Randomness . . .

Anyway, so because I need a place to vent some of my thoughts and feelings and I'm pretty sure some of my friends are getting a little tired of listening, this just seems like a good medium to get it out. Don't think too many people read this, which is probably a good thing. But for those who do - you know me well enough to understand how random I can me and how my thoughts can flit around never quite landing in any one place for too long.

So here goes. . . I have this friend, who for her protection shall remain nameless. But for a cup of coffee and some of your time, I might slip up and tell you. Anyway (see random?) we've been having some interesting discussions as of late and so one night she asks if I like music. Duh - for those of you who don't know, I was a radio DJ through high school (KUGT - The Light). So yes, I love music. So she sent a few songs and they were nice and I felt this "thing" in my heart. Brushed it aside - just thinking I must have taken a drink wrong or something. I'm going to fast forward here a bit - there's a lot of stuff in between but I'll save that for a future blog (which will hopefully be sooner than another year and a half from now).

Anyway - to last night. We are chatting right? And she's like "I'm off to bed." And then she sends a link and says goodnight. I'm going to have to remember that nothing she sends is just a nice innocent song. Actually, I should know that by now. She likes the song and what it's saying and is listening to the words and decides to send it my way. This has happened more than once. But and however, here's the deal - she's in cahoots with the Holy Spirit. One day I'm going to actually remember that. But I digress.

What do I know of Holy? I was like - cool, I've heard the song on the radio and really like it. What a nice thought - and click the link. Now, it's like 10 pm. Things are quiet. Ahhh just a nice inspirational song.....

Have you ever heard the words???? I mean really listened to them????? Maybe it was being able to read them that helped. Maybe it was God (probably it was God giving me the words to read). Here, let me quote some of it for you:

"I made you promises a thousand times, I tried to hear from Heaven, But I talked the whole time, I think I made you too small, I never feared you at all, No, If you touched my face would I know You? Looked into my eyes could I behold You?" Ummm ok, sounds a bit too familiar and maybe a little uncomfortable. But it's a good song.

"So What do I know of You, Who spoke me into motion? Where have I even stood, But the shore along your ocean? Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful? So what do I know? What do I know of holy?" I stopped what I was doing and looked at the screen and watched the words.

"I guess I thought that I had figured You out, I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about, How You were mighty to save, Those were only empty words on a page, Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be, The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees" And now I'm having trouble even putting a coherent thought together.

"So What do I know of You, Who spoke me into motion? Where have I even stood, But the shore along your ocean? Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful? So what do I know? What do I know of holy?"

"What do I know of Holy? What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame? And a God who gave life it's name? What do I know of Holy? Of the One who the angels praise? All creation knows Your name, On earth and heaven above, What do I know of this love?"
Thank you Addison Road.

And a couple more choruses and it's over. But it is truly far from over. I start getting my stuff picked up and ready to head back to bed, but something is nagging and tugging and kinda hurting - something just doesn't feel right. So ok - maybe I should pray. Inspirational songs kind of put you in that mood right?

And then it is like a full on Mac Truck. "What do I know of Holy?" Silence. "What do I know of Holy?" Pain ripping my insides (seriously guys who know me - I tolerate pain pretty well, right?) like nothing I've ever felt. And it hits me again: What do I know of Holy? And suddenly He's not this Loving Heavenly Father or my "best friend" or even the Savior of the World. We are talking about THE HOLY GOD.

I now think I know exactly how Isaiah felt when he said, "Woe to me! I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty." (Isaiah 6:5)

Let me tell you something - having an audience with THE HOLY GOD is an automatic on your knees and on your face experience. Because here's the thing - if you can even begin to wrap your mind about what it means that God is Holy - you suddenly realize that you are in a position you have no right to be in. And you know what, sometimes we need to be in that position.

So here's what I learned (or at least some of it):
First, I am absolutely unworthy to even be in the presence of THE HOLY GOD because of the disgustingness of my sin.
Second, for some reason that I cannot comprehend, THE HOLY GOD loved me enough to send His One and Only Son to take all that horror and disgustingness on Himself so that I could be right where I was.
Third, it dawned on me that I have a pretty narrow perspective of who God is and how he is so commonplace in my life. It dawned on me that I have no idea what a relationship with THE HOLY GOD is really like because you know what? He's my friend and He's my loving Heavenly Father and He's good and kind and . . . But how quickly I forgot - He is also HOLY. Try wrapping your brain around that thought. Yeah - I couldn't either.

But you know what? He's not someone who just does things on a whim. He doesn't turn you inside out just for fun times on Thursday night. EVERYTHING has purpose. So how do you respond? What can you say or do when you're in the presence of THE HOLY GOD and realize that is who He is? And then realizing that He sent His Son, His ONLY Son, to make it so I could even be in His presence. Jesus took everything disgusting and evil and ugly about me onto Himself and then became my sacrifice - He took my place and shed His blood so that I could be clean. With His blood He bought me and cleansed me so that I could even be in the presence of THE HOLY GOD and not die. That's a pretty high price to pay.

So what is my response? "Hey thanks God, I really appreciate it. Let's do this again sometime - you're pretty cool to hang out with." Seriously??? Ummm no. Going back to Isaiah: "Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, 'Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?' And I said, 'Here am I. Send me'!" (Isaiah 6:8). Surrender. Simple word, hard to do, hard to live. But it's coming to the end of me. Recognizing that I am not my own - I was bought at a price. Coming to the end of what I want and who I am and I and I and I. Recognizing that it's about Him - always about Him and bringing Him the glory and honor that is his due. Realizing that THE HOLY GOD wants me in His presence and did everything to ensure I could be - left nothing up to me. How utterly humbling.

So is it going to be easy? Nope. Living on "Me Street" is the easiest, most natural place to be. But you know what, it's the last place I should be. Is surrender easy? Nope - hurts worse than a dislocated shoulder because of this root we all have called pride. Is it worth it? Well, was I worth it? I mean, let's remember THE HOLY GOD sacrificed His One and Only Son when I was still a sinner, His enemy. He thought I was worth it. So is He worth it? Is surrender worth the pain? Is it worth whatever the cost? I was to Him. How could I give any less than everything back to Him?

Do I have it all figured out? Is it easy breezin from here on out because I've got it all together? Ummm - y'all don't know me very well. . . After going through this last night - this morning was a fresh time to surrender again. Because my will and my wants and my ways creep back in so easily. This is a day by day, minute by minute learning and living. In this earth, I'm never going to have it all together. I just pray that progressively (cause it won't be perfectly) I become more and more surrendered to THE HOLY GOD and learn to relinquish self so that it is all about Him and His glory.

What do I know of Holy?