The Hidden Christian

So I've been reading. And I'm not sure this is a hobby I should regularly engage in. I used to love it, but that's when I was able to read things like "The Baby-Sitters Club" or "Island of the Blue Dolphin." Sure, I still like a good story now and again, but more often than not, now I find myself reading books recommended by friends or bought as a gift because "they read it and thought of me." I'm beginning to wonder what my friends think of me!

What's worse, when what you're reading in a book corresponds to what you're learning about in the Bible; well, it just makes me think that maybe I need to be paying attention to Someone. God has His way of speaking to the heart - and if you don't hear the whisper, I've found He doesn't mind so much a step on the toes. And this is why steel-toe boots are on my Christmas list. But I digress . . .

So here it is. I've been thinking about it, praying about it, trying to excuse it or come up with some what to justify it. And it's just not there. So here's where it started. The question was raised "Is there an area of your life that you have repeatedly rejected God's teaching?" Now to say "no" would be a lie of anyone, but how often do we really have to be honest about it? There are probably lots of places where I need work, but then follows the book to help clarify things for me. I'm reading a book called Crazy Love right now. I highly recommend it - but don't expect some cheesy "God wants to give you everything you want" kind of book.

The chapter is called Profile of the Lukewarm. And the unfortunate (or fortunate) problem is that while I was thinking about the sin in my life along came said chapter.  And it made me uncomfortable. And I don't like that. But I also know that it's true. The biggest problem I face (I think) is the propensity to be lukewarm. Something I read in the chapter and actually heard again at Bible study tonight (but that's God for ya) is that "He (Jesus) just wasn't interested in those who fake it." And then the question becomes "Are you satisfied being 'godly enough' to get yourself into heaven, or to look good in comparison to others? Or can you say with Paul that you 'want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in death' (Phil 3:10)" -from Crazy Love.

I think too often I settle for "good enough" when my heart and spirit truly yearn for the deeper relationship. But doing what's "required" is far easier and probably will offend fewer people. It gets me by as a Christian, right? Except that thing Jesus said about "deny yourself, pick up your cross and follow me." Well, crap.

It is so much easier to be the Hidden Christian. The one who smiles at church on Sunday, shakes the hand of the person next to you, writes a check for the offering, maybe volunteers for the nursery once a year or takes cookies for the youth group activities. All the things that look good to everyone else. All the things that make others say "Wow, what a great Christian." But why am I doing those things? And where is my heart? And when was the last time I was willing to be open and say "Hey, I'm really struggling here." Or "sure it looks good but wow, it's tough." Or just to be straight up with God. He already knows my heart - so why on earth would I try to hide it from Him?! And why should I hide it from those who love Him as much as I do and love me with His love? Because it's easier to be in control. It's easier to protect self and avoid getting hurt than to risk reaching out and loving - even when it might hurt. Hmmmm - also sounds like a little bit of pride perhaps? I hate that "P" word.

Casting Crowns has a song that has been running through my head for several days now. "Stained Glass Masquerade." Here's a sample that I seem to get stuck on: "Is there anyone who's been there, Are there any hands to raise, Am I the only one who's traded In the altar for a stage? The performance is convincing, And we know every line by heart. Only when no one is watching, Can we really fall apart. But would it set me free, If I dared to let you see, The truth behind the person, That you imagine me to be? Would your arms be open, Or would you walk away, Would the love of Jesus, Be enough to make you stay? Are we happy plastic people, Under shiny plastic steeples, With walls around our weakness, And smiles to hide our pain? But if the invitation's open, To every heart that has been broken, Maybe then we close the curtain, On our stained glass masquerade."

So now what? I don't know. I know that I really need to spend some time getting real with God and probably need to spend some time getting real with some of my friends too. And I'm gonna need those friends who will provide the kick when I need it - to stop being fake - to be the self that God created. I'm counting on you - yes, you. And I'm counting on Him to get me to where I need to be so I can share in Christ's death and resurrection.

More to come I'm sure. But you know what - I'm beginning to think that God doesn't always play fair. But I guess I've known that since playing fair would be me paying for my own sins instead of His Son taking them for me. A lot to think about . . . we'll see where it goes.