Tears are interesting things aren't they? Water leaking out of your eyes. Sometimes gently, sometimes in streams. Sometimes with laughter and smiles, and sometimes with heart ripping pain. It is something that everyone does - just some more easily than others. This blog is for those who struggle to cry - although anyone can read it :-)
What gives me the authority to take on such a subject? Probably that I have been one of those people for most of my life. Ask my family. Did I cry? Do I cry? Yes. Very often? No. Things that bring others to tears in joy or sorrow very rarely caused the same response in me. Sure I felt, but there was rarely a shedding of tears. But I will tell you, frequently when there were tears, it was a big, ugly cry. Maybe because it didn't happen all that often.
So is it ok to not cry? Am I promoting some "cry every day" idea? No. And I'm not even saying you have to cry. For the most part, my emotions are fairly even keel - although at times they do go haywire (ahhhh the joys of being female). But if not crying is part of your signature, I'd like to challenge you to think about why. It was part of mine, and God's been teaching me a few things....
Do you know why we cry? Did you know there were different kinds of tears? Did you know they are composed differently? - No, it's not just water dripping out of your eyeballs. I didn't but it fascinates me. So we have basal tears, reflex tears, and emotional tears.
Basal tears flow continuously over the eye to cleanse and lubricate the eye. Basal tears have a mucus layer that sits on the eye, a watery layer in the middle and an oily layer on top, to keep them from evaporating. So.... unless you have medical dry eye, you can no longer claim, "I never cry." Kinda weird to think about - we are actually crying almost all the time - it's healthy for the eyes.
Then there are the reflex tears. These happen when a rogue eyelash gets stuck to the eye or you chop up an onion. These help clear the eyes of irritants. The make up is pretty similar to the basal tears, except the water layer is larger and they have antibodies to fend off harmful organisms quickly. FYI - the onion irritant is the sulfur gas that is let off when you cut an onion (in case you were wondering).
And then there are the emotional tears. Emotional tears contain an enkephalin, an endorphin, and a natural pain killer. All things that help calm and soothe the body. Anyone ever feel like a good cry makes them feel better? Science supports that ya know. Emotional tears communicate feelings and create feelings in others. Unfortunately, this isn't always a good thing. Because they stimulate feelings in others, they can be used to be manipulative.
And maybe this is why you don't cry. You've been accused of being manipulative with your tears. Or maybe you don't cry because you heard, "quit crying or I'll give you something to cry about" one too many times. Perhaps it was that "big girls don't cry" or "be a man - suck it up, don't cry." And so it became easier not to cry. And heaven help us when we did - it HURT!! So one more reason not to cry. Too much pain - from multiple sources.
But you know what? Much like the eyes need tears to stay healthy, the heart needs tears to be cleansed and healed. The shortest verse in the Bible says, "Jesus wept." Tears must be important. But perhaps even more important is who we take them to.
Hebrews 5:7 "In the days of his flesh, Jesus offered up prayers and supplications, with loud cries and tears, to him who was able to save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverence." Jesus cried - can you imagine the garden before his crucifixion? I'm pretty sure there were tears there. But as he cried out to His Father - he was also able to say "not my will but yours be done."
It's ok to cry. But take it to the One who can heal. Take it to the One who will use the tears as a wash over the hurting, tender places of the heart. Let them flow and let God hold you through them.
Saturday, October 19, 2019
In the desert - but not forgotten
One of my very favorite places in the world has, for many years, been the desert. I'm not sure why. For many people the desert is barren and dry with little beauty. For me, the barrenness is part of the beauty. When the landscape isn't crowded by grass and trees and buildings, you can see the specks of color and beauty much more clearly.
Perhaps the other reason I love the desert is Hosea 2:14, "But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there." The first time I went to the desert (physically) God was using it to begin to draw me to His heart. It would be many years later before I finally responded to His voice, but it was a start to begin to see beauty.
I am reminded of that during my desert times now. It may take awhile as I am still hard-headed and prideful, but He keeps me in the desert until my eyes refocus and I see the beauty in the lessons learned there. I don't always like it initially, but it is where He shows me His greatest love. It is here that He draws me to be alone with Him, to experience both rebuke and encouragement. It is in the desert times that His beauty comes into focus and He makes my life more beautiful as well.
There is a struggle, however, with the desert time. You see, the desert is home to many snakes, poisonous snakes. The spiritual desert is no different. The Serpent and his minions like to hang out here and try to bite and scare us away from the lessons of the desert. Some people never get away to this place of quiet contemplation and beauty because they allow the Serpent or his minions to scare them away. Yes, their rattles are a scary sound. But the rattles are a sound of their fear - knowing that the most beautiful lessons are found in the desert.
I've said all of that to help you see my most recent desert experience. The lesson is painfully beautiful - I'm still picking out thorns, but I definitely see the beauty of the cactus flower. I was struggling with the thought that I was a simple convenience. In life, in relationships, when I was helpful or able to contribute, people wanted me around. Otherwise, I felt forgotten. Sometimes it is a hard place being single, but then again I don't think being married prevents the feelings of being forgotten either (squirrel). It was like people knew I would be there and always be available to help - I was dependable. But there were stretches of time that I felt as though no one wanted to be with me, just for relationship and the bonds of knowing and being known. Yes. I will acknowledge these as very dangerous thoughts and a significant distortion of the truth. I am loved and known and being known, but I was still listening to the rattling lies.
So God did what He so sweetly does sometimes and dropped me right into the middle of the desert where the sounds of the rattles got louder. It became harder to not hear the lies and as I moved around trying to escape, I kept falling into thorny cacti. Ouch. And then I cried out - God, what am I supposed to learn? Please, the pain is great and I am scared. And then the rain began.
There is nothing like rain in the desert. The smell is amazing and following it brings green and flowers and beauty that is amazing. And in the rain I heard, "My child, you are never forgotten." Isaiah 49:16, "Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands..." God, I don't think I feel forgotten by you - I know you are always there. Oh, but there is always more...
"Carrie, you have asked why you feel as though sometimes you are just a commodity or convenience. Your help is asked for when needed, but you feel as though otherwise, you are simply a token. People know you are dependable, and aren't going anywhere. So you sometimes feel neglected when you feel you aren't just loving and living life with others. Relationship that is about just being. Your expectations in the moment aren't being met and you listen to the rattles. Am I right?"
You're God. You made me. You know me better than anyone so of course you are right.
"I want you to try this idea on then. Do you take me for granted? Don't you think I want to just be with you - to be known by you, without expectation? I just want to live life with you - love you and be loved by you. Yet how often do you treat me just as a token - someone who will always be there, dependable, but when not needed, neglected."
Ummm.....
"I appreciate the time you spend in prayer, and in my word; but I want more. I want you to be with me out of the sheer joy and love of being, not so you can check me off a list. Yes, I will bring you into the desert to win your heart back. I will let you hear the lies, but will offer you my truth. That truth is that I want you - no expectation. Don't relegate me to times of help, live and love with me everyday. Do you want to experience the joy of relationship with me?"
Of course I do.
Psalm 16:11, "You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore."
"Stay in my presence daughter. If you want to experience that fullness of joy, live life with me. Not because you have to but because you want me more than anything. Taste my love - I want you. No expectation. Just life with you. Then as you know this deep love with me, you will be able to hear beyond the lies of the Serpent and know that I have given you those who do enjoy life with you. Let them love you. No expectation. For as you spend time in my presence, you will find fullness of joy in every area of your life. You will bring my joy with you and people like that in you. Not because of you, but because you are living life with me. Does this make sense?"
Yes. It does. I do want you, but I haven't really been living like that. I have been expecting you to just be there when needed, but not pursuing much beyond that. I do want your fullness of joy - it can't be manufactured. It isn't dependent on life - just on you. Yes, let's do that. And thank you for helping me to hear the lies for what they are. Develop my joy and communion with others as I go deeper into that filling from you. I feel your rain and see the blooms. Thank you for this time in the desert.
Perhaps the other reason I love the desert is Hosea 2:14, "But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there." The first time I went to the desert (physically) God was using it to begin to draw me to His heart. It would be many years later before I finally responded to His voice, but it was a start to begin to see beauty.
I am reminded of that during my desert times now. It may take awhile as I am still hard-headed and prideful, but He keeps me in the desert until my eyes refocus and I see the beauty in the lessons learned there. I don't always like it initially, but it is where He shows me His greatest love. It is here that He draws me to be alone with Him, to experience both rebuke and encouragement. It is in the desert times that His beauty comes into focus and He makes my life more beautiful as well.
There is a struggle, however, with the desert time. You see, the desert is home to many snakes, poisonous snakes. The spiritual desert is no different. The Serpent and his minions like to hang out here and try to bite and scare us away from the lessons of the desert. Some people never get away to this place of quiet contemplation and beauty because they allow the Serpent or his minions to scare them away. Yes, their rattles are a scary sound. But the rattles are a sound of their fear - knowing that the most beautiful lessons are found in the desert.
I've said all of that to help you see my most recent desert experience. The lesson is painfully beautiful - I'm still picking out thorns, but I definitely see the beauty of the cactus flower. I was struggling with the thought that I was a simple convenience. In life, in relationships, when I was helpful or able to contribute, people wanted me around. Otherwise, I felt forgotten. Sometimes it is a hard place being single, but then again I don't think being married prevents the feelings of being forgotten either (squirrel). It was like people knew I would be there and always be available to help - I was dependable. But there were stretches of time that I felt as though no one wanted to be with me, just for relationship and the bonds of knowing and being known. Yes. I will acknowledge these as very dangerous thoughts and a significant distortion of the truth. I am loved and known and being known, but I was still listening to the rattling lies.
So God did what He so sweetly does sometimes and dropped me right into the middle of the desert where the sounds of the rattles got louder. It became harder to not hear the lies and as I moved around trying to escape, I kept falling into thorny cacti. Ouch. And then I cried out - God, what am I supposed to learn? Please, the pain is great and I am scared. And then the rain began.
There is nothing like rain in the desert. The smell is amazing and following it brings green and flowers and beauty that is amazing. And in the rain I heard, "My child, you are never forgotten." Isaiah 49:16, "Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands..." God, I don't think I feel forgotten by you - I know you are always there. Oh, but there is always more...
"Carrie, you have asked why you feel as though sometimes you are just a commodity or convenience. Your help is asked for when needed, but you feel as though otherwise, you are simply a token. People know you are dependable, and aren't going anywhere. So you sometimes feel neglected when you feel you aren't just loving and living life with others. Relationship that is about just being. Your expectations in the moment aren't being met and you listen to the rattles. Am I right?"
You're God. You made me. You know me better than anyone so of course you are right.
"I want you to try this idea on then. Do you take me for granted? Don't you think I want to just be with you - to be known by you, without expectation? I just want to live life with you - love you and be loved by you. Yet how often do you treat me just as a token - someone who will always be there, dependable, but when not needed, neglected."
Ummm.....
"I appreciate the time you spend in prayer, and in my word; but I want more. I want you to be with me out of the sheer joy and love of being, not so you can check me off a list. Yes, I will bring you into the desert to win your heart back. I will let you hear the lies, but will offer you my truth. That truth is that I want you - no expectation. Don't relegate me to times of help, live and love with me everyday. Do you want to experience the joy of relationship with me?"
Of course I do.
Psalm 16:11, "You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore."
"Stay in my presence daughter. If you want to experience that fullness of joy, live life with me. Not because you have to but because you want me more than anything. Taste my love - I want you. No expectation. Just life with you. Then as you know this deep love with me, you will be able to hear beyond the lies of the Serpent and know that I have given you those who do enjoy life with you. Let them love you. No expectation. For as you spend time in my presence, you will find fullness of joy in every area of your life. You will bring my joy with you and people like that in you. Not because of you, but because you are living life with me. Does this make sense?"
Yes. It does. I do want you, but I haven't really been living like that. I have been expecting you to just be there when needed, but not pursuing much beyond that. I do want your fullness of joy - it can't be manufactured. It isn't dependent on life - just on you. Yes, let's do that. And thank you for helping me to hear the lies for what they are. Develop my joy and communion with others as I go deeper into that filling from you. I feel your rain and see the blooms. Thank you for this time in the desert.
Saturday, November 18, 2017
Becoming a Thankful Turkey
Ok. I need to preface this with a piece of information. I am stubborn. I know some of you don't believe that, but it is one of my most endearing qualities :-/. Maybe not. And sometimes it is good to be stubborn, dig your heals in, and not let go until you reach the peak. What a view!
But sometimes stubborn is pride in disguise. And far too often my stubborn falls into this category. The most difficult part of this type of stubbornness is the pain it requires to learn life's lessons. I have a friend who frequently says, "We can do this the easy way, or the hard way. The choice is yours." I'm not sure why I seem to do things the hard way. Surely I would learn by now. My counselor once told me that it would be much less painful if I would learn to not be so stubborn (she meant prideful) and simply yield to the learning and growing process.
I say all of that to say this, I'm learning. And this time, I'm learning the power of thanksgiving. In a recent conversation with my friend she commented that when a particular event would come around in my life, she knew it was coming whether I had ever told her or not. She said my countenance changed about two days before and it really affected who I was and how I interacted. She was kindly telling me that I became a grouch and she really would rather not be around me unless I changed my attitude. I was definitely a downer. And who wants to be around that!! I will confess that I pretty much scoffed at her observation. When will I learn....
Anyway, this particular event came around again, and I approached it as I always do. Only this time I actually saw and heard myself. Ewww... dang it she was right. Here I am. Total Oscar the Grouch. I really don't even want to be around myself! But what's the fix? "Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." (I Thessalonians 5:18) P.S - wanna know God's will? Give thanks...
And this time, I chose to give thanks, and I don't think I was so green and grouchy this time. It was a little delayed, I did start out the grouch, but I didn't stay there. The situation did not change, but my attitude about it did, and that made all the difference.
I began to ask myself, why is thanksgiving so powerful? I have found in the very recent past that one of the best weapons I have against the lies of the devil is a simple "thank you." What is it about thanksgiving, about thankfulness that changes the heart? The situations may not change, but the attitude does.
Here are just a few ponderings that may help answer that.
1. A thankful heart cannot be a proud heart. Thankfulness is an attitude of humility. Thankfulness recognizes the generosity of the giver and focuses on the giver, not on self. A proud heart is that way because the focus is self. A thankful heart is focused outward toward others. Satan cannot stand humility. It is the exact opposite of all he is. Hearing thankfulness is hearing humility. He will leave.
2. A thankful heart remembers the good and forgets or forgives the bad. Have you ever been in an argument or frustrated with someone you love? Start being thankful for the good about them. It's hard to remain angry or frustrated when all you see is the positive. Satan wants nothing more than to cause division. It's hard to be divided when focusing on the strengths and positives of relationship.
3. A thankful heart has hope. Being thankful reminds us of all that has been but also reminds us of all that will be. Thanksgiving, regardless of the circumstances, acknowledges that God is good. It acknowledges that he gives good gifts, even if they appear as funny shapes sometimes. Hope scares the devil because it is a promise for tomorrow. He would much rather us believe all we have is today. Hope is the encouragement to continue forward, regardless of situation, relationship, or circumstance.
4. A thankful heart is consumed by grace. A thankful heart recognizes there is no greater gift than grace. A thankful heart recognizes how undeserving we are and yet still we receive. Grace saves us and grace frees us. Thankfulness recognizes grace and perhaps that is the biggest threat to Satan. As much as he cannot bear humility, grace is what undoes him. Perhaps that is why we "say grace." It is an overflow of thanksgiving - speaking the truth of grace.
Today, I am going to begin to embrace thanks. As I do, I embrace humility. I embrace forgiveness. I embrace hope. I embrace grace. I embrace the giver of all that is good - it is right to give thanks!
But sometimes stubborn is pride in disguise. And far too often my stubborn falls into this category. The most difficult part of this type of stubbornness is the pain it requires to learn life's lessons. I have a friend who frequently says, "We can do this the easy way, or the hard way. The choice is yours." I'm not sure why I seem to do things the hard way. Surely I would learn by now. My counselor once told me that it would be much less painful if I would learn to not be so stubborn (she meant prideful) and simply yield to the learning and growing process.
I say all of that to say this, I'm learning. And this time, I'm learning the power of thanksgiving. In a recent conversation with my friend she commented that when a particular event would come around in my life, she knew it was coming whether I had ever told her or not. She said my countenance changed about two days before and it really affected who I was and how I interacted. She was kindly telling me that I became a grouch and she really would rather not be around me unless I changed my attitude. I was definitely a downer. And who wants to be around that!! I will confess that I pretty much scoffed at her observation. When will I learn....
Anyway, this particular event came around again, and I approached it as I always do. Only this time I actually saw and heard myself. Ewww... dang it she was right. Here I am. Total Oscar the Grouch. I really don't even want to be around myself! But what's the fix? "Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." (I Thessalonians 5:18) P.S - wanna know God's will? Give thanks...
And this time, I chose to give thanks, and I don't think I was so green and grouchy this time. It was a little delayed, I did start out the grouch, but I didn't stay there. The situation did not change, but my attitude about it did, and that made all the difference.
I began to ask myself, why is thanksgiving so powerful? I have found in the very recent past that one of the best weapons I have against the lies of the devil is a simple "thank you." What is it about thanksgiving, about thankfulness that changes the heart? The situations may not change, but the attitude does.
Here are just a few ponderings that may help answer that.
1. A thankful heart cannot be a proud heart. Thankfulness is an attitude of humility. Thankfulness recognizes the generosity of the giver and focuses on the giver, not on self. A proud heart is that way because the focus is self. A thankful heart is focused outward toward others. Satan cannot stand humility. It is the exact opposite of all he is. Hearing thankfulness is hearing humility. He will leave.
2. A thankful heart remembers the good and forgets or forgives the bad. Have you ever been in an argument or frustrated with someone you love? Start being thankful for the good about them. It's hard to remain angry or frustrated when all you see is the positive. Satan wants nothing more than to cause division. It's hard to be divided when focusing on the strengths and positives of relationship.
3. A thankful heart has hope. Being thankful reminds us of all that has been but also reminds us of all that will be. Thanksgiving, regardless of the circumstances, acknowledges that God is good. It acknowledges that he gives good gifts, even if they appear as funny shapes sometimes. Hope scares the devil because it is a promise for tomorrow. He would much rather us believe all we have is today. Hope is the encouragement to continue forward, regardless of situation, relationship, or circumstance.
4. A thankful heart is consumed by grace. A thankful heart recognizes there is no greater gift than grace. A thankful heart recognizes how undeserving we are and yet still we receive. Grace saves us and grace frees us. Thankfulness recognizes grace and perhaps that is the biggest threat to Satan. As much as he cannot bear humility, grace is what undoes him. Perhaps that is why we "say grace." It is an overflow of thanksgiving - speaking the truth of grace.
Today, I am going to begin to embrace thanks. As I do, I embrace humility. I embrace forgiveness. I embrace hope. I embrace grace. I embrace the giver of all that is good - it is right to give thanks!
Wednesday, March 29, 2017
Choose Your Happy
It's just a number, right? I mean, it's just a count of the number of years I've been alive. And most days, I could easily agree, yes. Forty is just a number. But there are times....
Growing up, 40 seemed so old to me! I mean, at 40 you were almost ancient. Approaching that number, I find that truthfully, I've only completed 2/5 of my life - 40%. I'm not even to the half way point yet! But I remember too the dreams I had as a young child of what my life would be like. I remember talking with my friends about who we would marry, how many children we would have, what careers we would have, and how close we would live to each other. Can I be honest with you? Not one single dream has come to pass. None of them.
I am getting ready to change to my fourth decade and am still single. I have no children. Right now I don't even have a pet!! I do have a good job, although it wasn't what I dreamed about as a child. And my friend circle has drastically changed. By now, I honestly thought I'd be married with 3-4 children (4 if truth be told so there wouldn't be a middle child), living in the country in a nice house with a couple of pets. I would have the option to work or not work - my husband and family would be good either way. I thought I'd be thin, trim, and tanned. Ok - maybe that's a stretch, but at least smaller than what I am now.
There are days when those dreams come to mind and I wonder why they never came to be. I mean, I think I'd be a great wife and mom. I think I have a lot of love and support to offer, so why no husband or kids to give it to? I see kids who are abused and mistreated and wonder why those parents get them and I don't - when I would love and protect them. It is so easy to look at this life and think, "This isn't how it is supposed to be." And if that's all I see, then, yeah, it's pretty crappy...
John Piper is perhaps one of my very favorite authors and preachers. I came across a quote of his that has helped me put things into perspective. "Occasionally weep deeply over the life you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Then wash your face. Trust God. And embrace the life you have."
There was nothing wrong about the dreams of that little girl. Sure, some of them were probably the result of expectations of society to be and do certain things, but they were good dreams. And we need to dream. But what happens when what you expected isn't what is? (Please excuse the grammar.) I think Piper has good advice. It's ok to weep over what you hoped for, what you expected. However, "Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning." (Ps 30:5)
So morning has come. It is time to wash my face and embrace the life I do have. And to dig into the deepest parts of my heart, I can honestly say the life I do have is far beyond any life I could have ever dreamed of. Yes, I'm about to be 40 and I'm still single. And yes, I do have a lot of love and support to offer. But because I am single, I am free to give it to multiple people and in multiple ways. There are lots of amazing people in my life that I can love on and support because I am single. If I had a husband, it would be much more difficult. And I am also free to receive love - from friends, from family, but most importantly from my God. I have found that in my singleness, He pursues my heart and romances me in ways no human man ever could. For He created me. He does know what makes me smile and what makes me cry. To him I am precious, lovely, and desirable. And nothing I ever do will change how He views me. He calls me his masterpiece. Ok, yeah.... I can get used to that :-)
I don't have kids (of my own) but I have been blessed with some of the most amazing children in my life. And because they aren't mine, I get the joy of taking them to Toy's R Us for a "Pick a toy" date, just because. Or going to the park, or Andy's or the library or... and we have a wonderful time and my heart is full and happy (and I think they like it too). Now to the parents of these children... at 40 I've decided to stop apologizing for those things that make my heart happy. So occasionally we are going to Toys R Us and they and I will all be happy. So please just let us be happy :-)
You know, I picked the career I have when I was in college. I had planned for quite some time to be a doctor, but in the end decided to go to pharmacy school. I'm really glad I didn't become a doctor. I work with the best, and I know I could never do that job. But you know what? I've started to wonder if there is more than pharmacy. I work with too many people who are heart sick and there is no pill to cure that. I was forced to look at my own heart and found it hurting and in need of something no pill can provide. And so, last fall, I decided to do something different. I decided to go back to school to learn how to to help those who are heart sick. I enrolled in college (once again) to get a degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. I'm still trying to figure it all out, but it's time to take this step. I haven't left the pharmacy and am still not sure what the future holds in either realm, I just know it's time for me to learn how to help those who have pain no pill can heal. And again, something that would be hard to do at this stage with a husband and family.
You know, my life is no where near what I thought it would be when I was a young girl. And that's actually a good thing. My Gram told me once when we were eating together that life was too short to not be happy. Sometimes though, we have to choose happy. And so, washing my face, I choose to embrace my happy and all that will come. So much of the first 40 years I lived in survival and meeting expectations. I still have at least 60% of my life left - I plan to live it embracing happy, loving and being loved, spoiling kids, and helping people heal in their most tender spots. My God planted a dream bigger than any I could come up with on my own and by embracing His dream, I choose happy.
Growing up, 40 seemed so old to me! I mean, at 40 you were almost ancient. Approaching that number, I find that truthfully, I've only completed 2/5 of my life - 40%. I'm not even to the half way point yet! But I remember too the dreams I had as a young child of what my life would be like. I remember talking with my friends about who we would marry, how many children we would have, what careers we would have, and how close we would live to each other. Can I be honest with you? Not one single dream has come to pass. None of them.
I am getting ready to change to my fourth decade and am still single. I have no children. Right now I don't even have a pet!! I do have a good job, although it wasn't what I dreamed about as a child. And my friend circle has drastically changed. By now, I honestly thought I'd be married with 3-4 children (4 if truth be told so there wouldn't be a middle child), living in the country in a nice house with a couple of pets. I would have the option to work or not work - my husband and family would be good either way. I thought I'd be thin, trim, and tanned. Ok - maybe that's a stretch, but at least smaller than what I am now.
There are days when those dreams come to mind and I wonder why they never came to be. I mean, I think I'd be a great wife and mom. I think I have a lot of love and support to offer, so why no husband or kids to give it to? I see kids who are abused and mistreated and wonder why those parents get them and I don't - when I would love and protect them. It is so easy to look at this life and think, "This isn't how it is supposed to be." And if that's all I see, then, yeah, it's pretty crappy...
John Piper is perhaps one of my very favorite authors and preachers. I came across a quote of his that has helped me put things into perspective. "Occasionally weep deeply over the life you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Then wash your face. Trust God. And embrace the life you have."
There was nothing wrong about the dreams of that little girl. Sure, some of them were probably the result of expectations of society to be and do certain things, but they were good dreams. And we need to dream. But what happens when what you expected isn't what is? (Please excuse the grammar.) I think Piper has good advice. It's ok to weep over what you hoped for, what you expected. However, "Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning." (Ps 30:5)
So morning has come. It is time to wash my face and embrace the life I do have. And to dig into the deepest parts of my heart, I can honestly say the life I do have is far beyond any life I could have ever dreamed of. Yes, I'm about to be 40 and I'm still single. And yes, I do have a lot of love and support to offer. But because I am single, I am free to give it to multiple people and in multiple ways. There are lots of amazing people in my life that I can love on and support because I am single. If I had a husband, it would be much more difficult. And I am also free to receive love - from friends, from family, but most importantly from my God. I have found that in my singleness, He pursues my heart and romances me in ways no human man ever could. For He created me. He does know what makes me smile and what makes me cry. To him I am precious, lovely, and desirable. And nothing I ever do will change how He views me. He calls me his masterpiece. Ok, yeah.... I can get used to that :-)
I don't have kids (of my own) but I have been blessed with some of the most amazing children in my life. And because they aren't mine, I get the joy of taking them to Toy's R Us for a "Pick a toy" date, just because. Or going to the park, or Andy's or the library or... and we have a wonderful time and my heart is full and happy (and I think they like it too). Now to the parents of these children... at 40 I've decided to stop apologizing for those things that make my heart happy. So occasionally we are going to Toys R Us and they and I will all be happy. So please just let us be happy :-)
You know, I picked the career I have when I was in college. I had planned for quite some time to be a doctor, but in the end decided to go to pharmacy school. I'm really glad I didn't become a doctor. I work with the best, and I know I could never do that job. But you know what? I've started to wonder if there is more than pharmacy. I work with too many people who are heart sick and there is no pill to cure that. I was forced to look at my own heart and found it hurting and in need of something no pill can provide. And so, last fall, I decided to do something different. I decided to go back to school to learn how to to help those who are heart sick. I enrolled in college (once again) to get a degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. I'm still trying to figure it all out, but it's time to take this step. I haven't left the pharmacy and am still not sure what the future holds in either realm, I just know it's time for me to learn how to help those who have pain no pill can heal. And again, something that would be hard to do at this stage with a husband and family.
You know, my life is no where near what I thought it would be when I was a young girl. And that's actually a good thing. My Gram told me once when we were eating together that life was too short to not be happy. Sometimes though, we have to choose happy. And so, washing my face, I choose to embrace my happy and all that will come. So much of the first 40 years I lived in survival and meeting expectations. I still have at least 60% of my life left - I plan to live it embracing happy, loving and being loved, spoiling kids, and helping people heal in their most tender spots. My God planted a dream bigger than any I could come up with on my own and by embracing His dream, I choose happy.
Monday, December 7, 2015
You're Beautiful
Ok - it's just now 6 AM and I've already had a pretty decent cry this morning. Uggggg - but I think I needed it. One of my friends posted a video on Facebook that was both "beautiful" and yet heart-breakingly sad as well. Well, check it out for yourself... It's a little long but well worth the watch, and the language gets a little rough, but perhaps that response is so telling.
People React to Being Called Beautiful
I mean wow. But isn't that how most of us respond when someone tells us we are beautiful? We blush or break eye contact or "oh, you're too kind" and probably for the most part don't believe what we're being told. We've been conditioned that only the super models or athletes or movie stars are beautiful - and yet, I'm willing to bet that many of them ask the same question... "Am I beautiful?"
Think about it. "Do you like having your picture taken? Do you like seeing those pictures later? How do you feel when people ask you your age? The issue of beauty runs deep."
A dear friend of mine challenged me to read the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. It is a great book and one of the most challenging I've had to digest in awhile. It talks about the heart of a woman and what she longs for. One of those things is unveiled beauty - "a desire to be captivating in the depths of who you are."
What does every little girl ask? What does she want an affirmative answer to? "Am I lovely?" And truly, don't we even as grown-ups want to hear the same? So what happened? Why don't we believe the "Yes, you are lovely. You are beautiful."? It's this nice little thing called "shame". I love what Stasi writes, "Shame, the universal companion of women. It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone. Aware of our deep failings, we pour contempt on our own hearts for wanting more."
And yet... "So God crated man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." - Genesis 1:27 If we have been created in the image of God, then part of that image is beauty.
"One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple." - Psalm 27:4.
"The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims his handiwork." - Psalm 19:1. Think about the last sunrise or sunset you admired. Think about the last rainbow you saw. We take pictures of them and post them all over social medial. What do we say? How do we describe them? "Beautiful." And if those things are beautiful, and if they declare the glory of God, how beautiful He must be. Do you see where this is headed? And if we are created in God's image...
Let me be clear. It's not just a physical beauty. Even flowers fade. It is also that deep soulful/spiritual beauty. It's our very essence. And consider this: "There is a radiance hidden in your heart that the world desperately needs." But how will the world ever receive that gift if we throw aside our beauty? If we fall into the trap of shame, that somehow we are damaged beyond repair and there is nothing captivating about us?
Oh what pride Satan takes when he convinces us that there is nothing special about us. Because in doing so, he is convincing us that God is a liar. That we are not His "masterpieces." And yet we are. Or maybe he convinces us that to believe the truth of our beauty is pride and we've been taught how ugly that is. But again the truth: "My lover spoke to me, 'Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me'." - Song of Solomon 2:10. God calls us beautiful. Really? We're going to argue with Him?
"What have we to offer, really, others than who we are and what God has been pouring into our lives? It was not by accident that you were born; it was not by chance that you have the desires that you do." And let me add this. It's not an accident that you have the story that you do. It's part of what makes you captivating. It is part of your beauty. This world desperately needs the beauty placed inside your heart.
Beautiful - Mercy Me
So whatever you believe about yourself today, hear this. Not just from me, but from God, who created you in His image. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.
People React to Being Called Beautiful
I mean wow. But isn't that how most of us respond when someone tells us we are beautiful? We blush or break eye contact or "oh, you're too kind" and probably for the most part don't believe what we're being told. We've been conditioned that only the super models or athletes or movie stars are beautiful - and yet, I'm willing to bet that many of them ask the same question... "Am I beautiful?"
Think about it. "Do you like having your picture taken? Do you like seeing those pictures later? How do you feel when people ask you your age? The issue of beauty runs deep."
A dear friend of mine challenged me to read the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. It is a great book and one of the most challenging I've had to digest in awhile. It talks about the heart of a woman and what she longs for. One of those things is unveiled beauty - "a desire to be captivating in the depths of who you are."
What does every little girl ask? What does she want an affirmative answer to? "Am I lovely?" And truly, don't we even as grown-ups want to hear the same? So what happened? Why don't we believe the "Yes, you are lovely. You are beautiful."? It's this nice little thing called "shame". I love what Stasi writes, "Shame, the universal companion of women. It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone. Aware of our deep failings, we pour contempt on our own hearts for wanting more."
And yet... "So God crated man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." - Genesis 1:27 If we have been created in the image of God, then part of that image is beauty.
"One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple." - Psalm 27:4.
"The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims his handiwork." - Psalm 19:1. Think about the last sunrise or sunset you admired. Think about the last rainbow you saw. We take pictures of them and post them all over social medial. What do we say? How do we describe them? "Beautiful." And if those things are beautiful, and if they declare the glory of God, how beautiful He must be. Do you see where this is headed? And if we are created in God's image...
Let me be clear. It's not just a physical beauty. Even flowers fade. It is also that deep soulful/spiritual beauty. It's our very essence. And consider this: "There is a radiance hidden in your heart that the world desperately needs." But how will the world ever receive that gift if we throw aside our beauty? If we fall into the trap of shame, that somehow we are damaged beyond repair and there is nothing captivating about us?
Oh what pride Satan takes when he convinces us that there is nothing special about us. Because in doing so, he is convincing us that God is a liar. That we are not His "masterpieces." And yet we are. Or maybe he convinces us that to believe the truth of our beauty is pride and we've been taught how ugly that is. But again the truth: "My lover spoke to me, 'Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me'." - Song of Solomon 2:10. God calls us beautiful. Really? We're going to argue with Him?
"What have we to offer, really, others than who we are and what God has been pouring into our lives? It was not by accident that you were born; it was not by chance that you have the desires that you do." And let me add this. It's not an accident that you have the story that you do. It's part of what makes you captivating. It is part of your beauty. This world desperately needs the beauty placed inside your heart.
Beautiful - Mercy Me
So whatever you believe about yourself today, hear this. Not just from me, but from God, who created you in His image. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.
Friday, June 12, 2015
What Am I Worth?
I debated over the title - but as this is a pretty personal blog - I guess it deserves a pretty personal title. But I do pose that question to each person reading this - ask yourself, "What Am I Worth?" Do you know? Bear with me, this is perhaps one of the biggest revelations I've received in awhile, but it needs a little background. Let me start by saying this, God's timing is always perfect. We may not always "get it" but He always has His reasons.
A couple of Sundays ago at church, the message was from John 5 about the guy at the pool who Jesus healed. I think perhaps one of the craziest questions - in my humble opinion - that Jesus ever asked is in these verses. Vs 6 (talking to a guy who had been an invalid for 38 years): "When Jesus saw him lying there and knew he had already been there a long time, he said to him, 'Do you want to be healed'?" Seriously?! What was the guy gonna say . . . "Naw, I'm fine just laying here on my mat, but thanks for asking." I mean, come on. So why did Jesus ask the question? Think about this. While he was lying on the mat, he had people to help meet his needs. People did for him because he couldn't do for himself. But what if he were well? What if he were whole? There would be responsibility on him - to provide for himself. To help others. Most importantly, to proclaim what Jesus had done. I think Jesus was asking if he was willing to take on that responsibility. What was his healing worth?
So here's the deal. Personally, what am I worth? Ask yourself if you really want to know - If you really want to know, keep reading; but remember knowing your worth is going to come with responsibility. "Do you want to be healed?" For me, the same question, "Do you want to know what you're worth?" While Jesus gave the invalid physical freedom, knowing what you're worth brings spiritual freedom. Last chance to turn back . . .
So was talking with Tamra yesterday and the topic of worth came up. The question she posed: Where does your worth come from? Don't skip ahead or give the Sunday school answer. Walk with me here.
All of us fall into the trap of tying our worth into people. "Well, I don't care what others think of me?" Really? Well, aren't you a people too? When was the last time you looked in the mirror and said, "I'm looking old or fat or ugly or ..." or even making it a positive, "I'm looking good, lost some weight, those glasses are sweet!" Further making the case that we are part of the people too - how do you define yourself? As a parent, by your job, as a child, as a friend . . . and if you "fail" in how you define yourself, then you find yourself feeling as thought you have less worth.
So either it's from external people (parents, friends, teachers, siblings, co-workers and this list could go on) who tell us how good or bad we are or from internal people (me, myself and I), we often find our worth based on what people (including ourselves) tell us we are worth. What is the flaw in this? Guess what?? PEOPLE CAN LIE! People can tear us down and hurt us or they can feed us compliment on compliment and stroke our ego (we do it to ourselves as well). But in either direction, if this is where I find my worth, I'm determining who I am based on a faulty, shifting system. Good today, bad tomorrow - up and down until the roller coaster just makes you want to puke! Don't know about you, but I'm ready to get off that ride!!
So back to the question: Where does my worth come from? What is the truth? If people lie, how can I know what is true about me? How can I know my worth? Well, who cannot lie? Now, yes, you can give the Sunday school answer - God. God cannot lie or even more amazing, will not change His mind. If I want a solid foundation for my worth, it needs to be based in and on what God says I'm worth. So what does God say and think I'm worth? What was shared with me, I want to share with you because to even begin to grasp the edge of this - knowing your worth brings freedom. You may have to fight some days to hang on to that truth - but it is truth. Remember, God cannot lie or change His mind. Do you want to know?
I'd never thought of it this way before, but God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit have all declared my worth.
God the Father: "Carrie Beth, you are worth my Son." Ok, sure. Got that. But do you? If you are a parent, pick a child. If you don't have kids, think of one in your life who is special. I'm in front of a firing squad. They are going to kill me. Unless . . . you are told they will spare me if you put that child up there instead. Your son, your daughter, your niece or nephew or whomever you love so much. Would you give them up for me? Anybody? And I'm not even saying you're giving up that child to save a bunch of people. It is one for one. That child for me. Any takers? Didn't think so. But God thought so. God thought I was worth His son. His ONLY son. Not to be down on me - but really? God thought I was worth His son. And yeah, even if I was the only one, I was worth His son. Wow!! But there's more. . .
God the Son: "Carrie Beth, you are worth my life." That child is gone. Now it's you and me. Would you give up your life for me? Would you take my place in front of that firing squad? It might be a little easier to say, "sure" because we all have a tendency to think we are that self-sacrificial. But would you really? If you could see every sin, every hateful part of me, every short-coming, every fault - would you see all that and still take my bullet? Jesus could and did see all that and he still let them pound those nails through his hands and feet. He still let them rip the flesh on his back and drive that crown of thorns into his head. He saw all of that yuck and still took my sin. He still took my punishment. He still died my death. He didn't wait til I cleaned up my act. He didn't wait until I "deserved" his life. While I was still a sinner . . . Oh my. Wait. There's still more . . .
God the Holy Spirit: "Carrie Beth, you are worth my home in heaven." Huh? Think about it. When Jesus left and went back to heaven, what promise was given? That He would send a comforter - the Holy Spirit. Hang tight - this is pretty cool. When we become Christians, we receive the Holy Spirit, right? He is our seal, our guarantee. So God the Holy Spirit is with us every day. Here. On earth. With me. It's like trading the mansion for the garbage can. Now I don't know about you, but when I think about what I know about heaven as well as what I imagine heaven to be like - the Holy Spirit gave that up for me - to be with me every day. No matter what or where I am and even now I still take him into the muck of every day. What am I worth? I'm worth God the Holy Spirit coming to earth as my comforter and giving up all the comfort of heaven.
Wow. The Father says I'm worth His son. The Son says I'm worth His life. The Spirit says I'm worth His home. And remember? GOD CANNOT LIE OR CHANGE HIS MIND.
Am I worthy? Absolutely not. But my worth isn't based on me, on who I am or anything I've done. My worth isn't based on what you think of me. The truth of my worth is in the solid foundation that God said I was worth everything and so He did it all. He gave it all. He gave me His worth. I did nothing. I can do nothing. It has been done. "IT IS FINISHED." And that is what I'm worth. And you know what? So are you!!
WOW.
A couple of Sundays ago at church, the message was from John 5 about the guy at the pool who Jesus healed. I think perhaps one of the craziest questions - in my humble opinion - that Jesus ever asked is in these verses. Vs 6 (talking to a guy who had been an invalid for 38 years): "When Jesus saw him lying there and knew he had already been there a long time, he said to him, 'Do you want to be healed'?" Seriously?! What was the guy gonna say . . . "Naw, I'm fine just laying here on my mat, but thanks for asking." I mean, come on. So why did Jesus ask the question? Think about this. While he was lying on the mat, he had people to help meet his needs. People did for him because he couldn't do for himself. But what if he were well? What if he were whole? There would be responsibility on him - to provide for himself. To help others. Most importantly, to proclaim what Jesus had done. I think Jesus was asking if he was willing to take on that responsibility. What was his healing worth?
So here's the deal. Personally, what am I worth? Ask yourself if you really want to know - If you really want to know, keep reading; but remember knowing your worth is going to come with responsibility. "Do you want to be healed?" For me, the same question, "Do you want to know what you're worth?" While Jesus gave the invalid physical freedom, knowing what you're worth brings spiritual freedom. Last chance to turn back . . .
So was talking with Tamra yesterday and the topic of worth came up. The question she posed: Where does your worth come from? Don't skip ahead or give the Sunday school answer. Walk with me here.
All of us fall into the trap of tying our worth into people. "Well, I don't care what others think of me?" Really? Well, aren't you a people too? When was the last time you looked in the mirror and said, "I'm looking old or fat or ugly or ..." or even making it a positive, "I'm looking good, lost some weight, those glasses are sweet!" Further making the case that we are part of the people too - how do you define yourself? As a parent, by your job, as a child, as a friend . . . and if you "fail" in how you define yourself, then you find yourself feeling as thought you have less worth.
So either it's from external people (parents, friends, teachers, siblings, co-workers and this list could go on) who tell us how good or bad we are or from internal people (me, myself and I), we often find our worth based on what people (including ourselves) tell us we are worth. What is the flaw in this? Guess what?? PEOPLE CAN LIE! People can tear us down and hurt us or they can feed us compliment on compliment and stroke our ego (we do it to ourselves as well). But in either direction, if this is where I find my worth, I'm determining who I am based on a faulty, shifting system. Good today, bad tomorrow - up and down until the roller coaster just makes you want to puke! Don't know about you, but I'm ready to get off that ride!!
So back to the question: Where does my worth come from? What is the truth? If people lie, how can I know what is true about me? How can I know my worth? Well, who cannot lie? Now, yes, you can give the Sunday school answer - God. God cannot lie or even more amazing, will not change His mind. If I want a solid foundation for my worth, it needs to be based in and on what God says I'm worth. So what does God say and think I'm worth? What was shared with me, I want to share with you because to even begin to grasp the edge of this - knowing your worth brings freedom. You may have to fight some days to hang on to that truth - but it is truth. Remember, God cannot lie or change His mind. Do you want to know?
I'd never thought of it this way before, but God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit have all declared my worth.
God the Father: "Carrie Beth, you are worth my Son." Ok, sure. Got that. But do you? If you are a parent, pick a child. If you don't have kids, think of one in your life who is special. I'm in front of a firing squad. They are going to kill me. Unless . . . you are told they will spare me if you put that child up there instead. Your son, your daughter, your niece or nephew or whomever you love so much. Would you give them up for me? Anybody? And I'm not even saying you're giving up that child to save a bunch of people. It is one for one. That child for me. Any takers? Didn't think so. But God thought so. God thought I was worth His son. His ONLY son. Not to be down on me - but really? God thought I was worth His son. And yeah, even if I was the only one, I was worth His son. Wow!! But there's more. . .
God the Son: "Carrie Beth, you are worth my life." That child is gone. Now it's you and me. Would you give up your life for me? Would you take my place in front of that firing squad? It might be a little easier to say, "sure" because we all have a tendency to think we are that self-sacrificial. But would you really? If you could see every sin, every hateful part of me, every short-coming, every fault - would you see all that and still take my bullet? Jesus could and did see all that and he still let them pound those nails through his hands and feet. He still let them rip the flesh on his back and drive that crown of thorns into his head. He saw all of that yuck and still took my sin. He still took my punishment. He still died my death. He didn't wait til I cleaned up my act. He didn't wait until I "deserved" his life. While I was still a sinner . . . Oh my. Wait. There's still more . . .
God the Holy Spirit: "Carrie Beth, you are worth my home in heaven." Huh? Think about it. When Jesus left and went back to heaven, what promise was given? That He would send a comforter - the Holy Spirit. Hang tight - this is pretty cool. When we become Christians, we receive the Holy Spirit, right? He is our seal, our guarantee. So God the Holy Spirit is with us every day. Here. On earth. With me. It's like trading the mansion for the garbage can. Now I don't know about you, but when I think about what I know about heaven as well as what I imagine heaven to be like - the Holy Spirit gave that up for me - to be with me every day. No matter what or where I am and even now I still take him into the muck of every day. What am I worth? I'm worth God the Holy Spirit coming to earth as my comforter and giving up all the comfort of heaven.
Wow. The Father says I'm worth His son. The Son says I'm worth His life. The Spirit says I'm worth His home. And remember? GOD CANNOT LIE OR CHANGE HIS MIND.
Am I worthy? Absolutely not. But my worth isn't based on me, on who I am or anything I've done. My worth isn't based on what you think of me. The truth of my worth is in the solid foundation that God said I was worth everything and so He did it all. He gave it all. He gave me His worth. I did nothing. I can do nothing. It has been done. "IT IS FINISHED." And that is what I'm worth. And you know what? So are you!!
WOW.
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
Enough
God shows up in the most peculiar places sometimes. And He really doesn't care if you're ready for Him or not. Because guess what? He can do anything He wants to anyone He chooses, anytime and anywhere. When you're God, you kinda get that privilege. So walking on the treadmill at 6:20 in the morning at the gym seems like a perfectly logical place for Him to show up, right? Ok, in my mind when I was talking to Him last night at home seems more reasonable - but maybe the more correct statement here is when I was talking "at Him." And He decided to wait until He could get my undivided, quasi-unselfish attention. Thus the treadmill . . .
To be honest, things have been a little rocky lately. I now have a better handle on the why, but let's not spoil the surprise. I had a friend challenge me a couple of weeks ago to find time with Him. I had to spend time with Him or things weren't going to get better. So God and I started talking - or, more accurately, I started talking to/at Him. But I wasn't doing much listening. And I was getting angry because I didn't think He was listening. Or if He was, all He was saying was "NO" and I didn't think that was fair. I thought my requests were justified. But He was listening. He always is. And He was saying "NO" - not because He is hateful, but because He had something better.
Trying to kill an hour on the treadmill can sometimes be a chore in itself. I had my iPad and was going to listen to some music, but as I opened it, the Bible App caught my attention. When was the last time I had opened it? How far behind was I with my Professor Horner Bible Reading System? Oh, why not - I've got to get through 55 more minutes. I reset my reading to "catch me up" so that it would take me to the last day I read. And my reading today started with Matthew 27. Guess what Matthew 27 is about? Yeah, the death of Jesus. I've read this before. I've heard this a million times during the Easter season. Let's get through this passage. Man it's a long passage . . .
"Now from the sixth hour there was darkness over all the land until the ninth hour. And about the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, "Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?" that is, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Matthew 27:45-46)
Pause . . . re-wind. Re-read. "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" What????
"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"
Wait a minute . . . Jesus was what??? Forsaken??? Abandoned by God the Father??? I think the people who printed the Bible may have missed a little on the emotion of the moment.
"MY GOD, MY GOD, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?"
"And Jesus cried out again with a loud voice (John 19:30 records his words, "It is finished") and yielded up his spirit. And behold, the curtain of the temple was torn in two, from top to bottom. And the earth shook, and the rocks were split." (Matt 27:51)
If I hadn't been on the treadmill with a belt moving below my feet, I think I would have hit a dead stop.
"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"
"It is finished."
"And the curtain in the temple was torn in two, from top to bottom."
And the tears came. And God whispered, "I have NEVER forsaken you, Carrie Beth. NEVER and I NEVER WILL. I abandoned my Son for you. And when He said, 'IT IS FINISHED,' that is exactly what it meant. FINISHED. He was abandoned, forsaken for you, so you would never be. I opened the way. From me to you. Top to bottom. You cannot do anything to make me leave you. NOTHING.
I have heard every prayer and in my mercy have said, 'NO.' I have seen every tear and where you felt I was being silent, abandoning you, I was holding you tighter than you realized. Do you understand there is NOTHING you can do to change how I feel about you? I LOVE YOU. You don't have to try. You don't have to work. You don't have to do anything but let ME LOVE YOU. I always have and I always will."
There was no noise. There was no one else in the gym at that moment because in that moment, all that existed was God and me. And all the fears and all the failures and all the mistakes and all the pain and all the hurt and all the sadness came pouring out. "God you just don't get it. I'm not good enough. I'm not enough." And He gave me this song . . .
How Can it Be? - Lauren Daigle
"You plead my cause, you right my wrongs, you break my chains, you overcome. You gave Your life, to give me mine, You say that I am free. How can it be?"
"I've been hiding, Afraid I've let you down, inside I doubt, That you still love me, But in your eyes there's only grace now."
"Though I fall, You can make me new, From this death I will rise with you. Oh the grace reaching out for me. How can it be? How can it be?"
Look at all the "yous." Where is there anything about what I've done? He's done it all. And I just get all the benefits.
But today must have been a 2:1 special because He decided not to stop there. These words flooded my mind.
"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." (Heb 4:15-16)
Then Jesus posed this question. "You understand that there is nothing you go through, nothing you feel, nothing you think that I haven't already been through. You understand that, right?"
"Yes."
"Then do you also understand that while I have been through everything you ever will, there is something I went through you never will. Do you know what it is?"
"I think you are about to tell me."
"I was forsaken. For you. So you don't have to be. So you never will be. You will always have my mercy and my grace. Always. But you have to accept that it is enough. It's time you understand that I am enough. It's not about you being enough. I am enough."
Silence and sweaty, salty tears. "You break my chains . . ."
Recently in a conversation, a friend asked me quite directly, "When are you going to believe He is enough? You don't think He's good enough for you. You don't think He's enough."
In my pride and arrogance (yeah it comes in many forms), I replied, "It's not that He's not enough. I'm not enough."
And she said again, "No, you don't think He is enough. It has nothing to do with you."
Smart lady she is. While I wasn't boasting about my greatness, my pride and arrogance lay in my focus on my inadequacies. In some twisted sense being "proud" of not being enough. But He said, "It is finished."So yeah, I was saying He wasn't enough. But He is . . .
"Inside I doubt, That you still love me, But in your eyes there's only grace now."
How many times have I asked, demanded to know, if He loved me? And how fearful, how questioning of the love of other people. "How can anyone love THIS?" But man, if I can't get that He loves me . . . If I can't get that HE IS ENOUGH and it's only grace, there is no way I'm ever going to get that of a mere person. Of course I'm going to question every relationship. Of course I'm going to try to love and do and be in order to deserve love. And of course in my pride, it will never be enough. I will always be afraid that I will let Him down or let someone down because I didn't love "right" or "enough. Because see, I didn't think He was enough. But He is . . .
And seeing that He is enough, it changes the motivation of love. I do and I am because HE IS ENOUGH. It's love for the sake of love. Not trying to earn or be "enough" and find a deserving pat on the head. It's because HE is enough - His love is enough and in His love I can do and be for real and for honest. Love becomes freedom and is no longer a chore for acceptance.
"Oh the grace reaching out for me. How can it be?" Notice - it is reaching for me. Not me for it. God was/is grabbing hold of me and hanging on. He's not going to let go. Ever. Because HE IS ENOUGH.
How can it be? I don't know. But what do I know? HE IS ENOUGH and because He is - so am I.
To be honest, things have been a little rocky lately. I now have a better handle on the why, but let's not spoil the surprise. I had a friend challenge me a couple of weeks ago to find time with Him. I had to spend time with Him or things weren't going to get better. So God and I started talking - or, more accurately, I started talking to/at Him. But I wasn't doing much listening. And I was getting angry because I didn't think He was listening. Or if He was, all He was saying was "NO" and I didn't think that was fair. I thought my requests were justified. But He was listening. He always is. And He was saying "NO" - not because He is hateful, but because He had something better.
Trying to kill an hour on the treadmill can sometimes be a chore in itself. I had my iPad and was going to listen to some music, but as I opened it, the Bible App caught my attention. When was the last time I had opened it? How far behind was I with my Professor Horner Bible Reading System? Oh, why not - I've got to get through 55 more minutes. I reset my reading to "catch me up" so that it would take me to the last day I read. And my reading today started with Matthew 27. Guess what Matthew 27 is about? Yeah, the death of Jesus. I've read this before. I've heard this a million times during the Easter season. Let's get through this passage. Man it's a long passage . . .
"Now from the sixth hour there was darkness over all the land until the ninth hour. And about the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, "Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?" that is, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Matthew 27:45-46)
Pause . . . re-wind. Re-read. "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" What????
"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"
Wait a minute . . . Jesus was what??? Forsaken??? Abandoned by God the Father??? I think the people who printed the Bible may have missed a little on the emotion of the moment.
"MY GOD, MY GOD, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?"
"And Jesus cried out again with a loud voice (John 19:30 records his words, "It is finished") and yielded up his spirit. And behold, the curtain of the temple was torn in two, from top to bottom. And the earth shook, and the rocks were split." (Matt 27:51)
If I hadn't been on the treadmill with a belt moving below my feet, I think I would have hit a dead stop.
"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"
"It is finished."
"And the curtain in the temple was torn in two, from top to bottom."
And the tears came. And God whispered, "I have NEVER forsaken you, Carrie Beth. NEVER and I NEVER WILL. I abandoned my Son for you. And when He said, 'IT IS FINISHED,' that is exactly what it meant. FINISHED. He was abandoned, forsaken for you, so you would never be. I opened the way. From me to you. Top to bottom. You cannot do anything to make me leave you. NOTHING.
I have heard every prayer and in my mercy have said, 'NO.' I have seen every tear and where you felt I was being silent, abandoning you, I was holding you tighter than you realized. Do you understand there is NOTHING you can do to change how I feel about you? I LOVE YOU. You don't have to try. You don't have to work. You don't have to do anything but let ME LOVE YOU. I always have and I always will."
There was no noise. There was no one else in the gym at that moment because in that moment, all that existed was God and me. And all the fears and all the failures and all the mistakes and all the pain and all the hurt and all the sadness came pouring out. "God you just don't get it. I'm not good enough. I'm not enough." And He gave me this song . . .
How Can it Be? - Lauren Daigle
"You plead my cause, you right my wrongs, you break my chains, you overcome. You gave Your life, to give me mine, You say that I am free. How can it be?"
"I've been hiding, Afraid I've let you down, inside I doubt, That you still love me, But in your eyes there's only grace now."
"Though I fall, You can make me new, From this death I will rise with you. Oh the grace reaching out for me. How can it be? How can it be?"
Look at all the "yous." Where is there anything about what I've done? He's done it all. And I just get all the benefits.
But today must have been a 2:1 special because He decided not to stop there. These words flooded my mind.
"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." (Heb 4:15-16)
Then Jesus posed this question. "You understand that there is nothing you go through, nothing you feel, nothing you think that I haven't already been through. You understand that, right?"
"Yes."
"Then do you also understand that while I have been through everything you ever will, there is something I went through you never will. Do you know what it is?"
"I think you are about to tell me."
"I was forsaken. For you. So you don't have to be. So you never will be. You will always have my mercy and my grace. Always. But you have to accept that it is enough. It's time you understand that I am enough. It's not about you being enough. I am enough."
Silence and sweaty, salty tears. "You break my chains . . ."
Recently in a conversation, a friend asked me quite directly, "When are you going to believe He is enough? You don't think He's good enough for you. You don't think He's enough."
In my pride and arrogance (yeah it comes in many forms), I replied, "It's not that He's not enough. I'm not enough."
And she said again, "No, you don't think He is enough. It has nothing to do with you."
Smart lady she is. While I wasn't boasting about my greatness, my pride and arrogance lay in my focus on my inadequacies. In some twisted sense being "proud" of not being enough. But He said, "It is finished."So yeah, I was saying He wasn't enough. But He is . . .
"Inside I doubt, That you still love me, But in your eyes there's only grace now."
How many times have I asked, demanded to know, if He loved me? And how fearful, how questioning of the love of other people. "How can anyone love THIS?" But man, if I can't get that He loves me . . . If I can't get that HE IS ENOUGH and it's only grace, there is no way I'm ever going to get that of a mere person. Of course I'm going to question every relationship. Of course I'm going to try to love and do and be in order to deserve love. And of course in my pride, it will never be enough. I will always be afraid that I will let Him down or let someone down because I didn't love "right" or "enough. Because see, I didn't think He was enough. But He is . . .
And seeing that He is enough, it changes the motivation of love. I do and I am because HE IS ENOUGH. It's love for the sake of love. Not trying to earn or be "enough" and find a deserving pat on the head. It's because HE is enough - His love is enough and in His love I can do and be for real and for honest. Love becomes freedom and is no longer a chore for acceptance.
"Oh the grace reaching out for me. How can it be?" Notice - it is reaching for me. Not me for it. God was/is grabbing hold of me and hanging on. He's not going to let go. Ever. Because HE IS ENOUGH.
How can it be? I don't know. But what do I know? HE IS ENOUGH and because He is - so am I.
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