It's just a number, right? I mean, it's just a count of the number of years I've been alive. And most days, I could easily agree, yes. Forty is just a number. But there are times....
Growing up, 40 seemed so old to me! I mean, at 40 you were almost ancient. Approaching that number, I find that truthfully, I've only completed 2/5 of my life - 40%. I'm not even to the half way point yet! But I remember too the dreams I had as a young child of what my life would be like. I remember talking with my friends about who we would marry, how many children we would have, what careers we would have, and how close we would live to each other. Can I be honest with you? Not one single dream has come to pass. None of them.
I am getting ready to change to my fourth decade and am still single. I have no children. Right now I don't even have a pet!! I do have a good job, although it wasn't what I dreamed about as a child. And my friend circle has drastically changed. By now, I honestly thought I'd be married with 3-4 children (4 if truth be told so there wouldn't be a middle child), living in the country in a nice house with a couple of pets. I would have the option to work or not work - my husband and family would be good either way. I thought I'd be thin, trim, and tanned. Ok - maybe that's a stretch, but at least smaller than what I am now.
There are days when those dreams come to mind and I wonder why they never came to be. I mean, I think I'd be a great wife and mom. I think I have a lot of love and support to offer, so why no husband or kids to give it to? I see kids who are abused and mistreated and wonder why those parents get them and I don't - when I would love and protect them. It is so easy to look at this life and think, "This isn't how it is supposed to be." And if that's all I see, then, yeah, it's pretty crappy...
John Piper is perhaps one of my very favorite authors and preachers. I came across a quote of his that has helped me put things into perspective. "Occasionally weep deeply over the life you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Then wash your face. Trust God. And embrace the life you have."
There was nothing wrong about the dreams of that little girl. Sure, some of them were probably the result of expectations of society to be and do certain things, but they were good dreams. And we need to dream. But what happens when what you expected isn't what is? (Please excuse the grammar.) I think Piper has good advice. It's ok to weep over what you hoped for, what you expected. However, "Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning." (Ps 30:5)
So morning has come. It is time to wash my face and embrace the life I do have. And to dig into the deepest parts of my heart, I can honestly say the life I do have is far beyond any life I could have ever dreamed of. Yes, I'm about to be 40 and I'm still single. And yes, I do have a lot of love and support to offer. But because I am single, I am free to give it to multiple people and in multiple ways. There are lots of amazing people in my life that I can love on and support because I am single. If I had a husband, it would be much more difficult. And I am also free to receive love - from friends, from family, but most importantly from my God. I have found that in my singleness, He pursues my heart and romances me in ways no human man ever could. For He created me. He does know what makes me smile and what makes me cry. To him I am precious, lovely, and desirable. And nothing I ever do will change how He views me. He calls me his masterpiece. Ok, yeah.... I can get used to that :-)
I don't have kids (of my own) but I have been blessed with some of the most amazing children in my life. And because they aren't mine, I get the joy of taking them to Toy's R Us for a "Pick a toy" date, just because. Or going to the park, or Andy's or the library or... and we have a wonderful time and my heart is full and happy (and I think they like it too). Now to the parents of these children... at 40 I've decided to stop apologizing for those things that make my heart happy. So occasionally we are going to Toys R Us and they and I will all be happy. So please just let us be happy :-)
You know, I picked the career I have when I was in college. I had planned for quite some time to be a doctor, but in the end decided to go to pharmacy school. I'm really glad I didn't become a doctor. I work with the best, and I know I could never do that job. But you know what? I've started to wonder if there is more than pharmacy. I work with too many people who are heart sick and there is no pill to cure that. I was forced to look at my own heart and found it hurting and in need of something no pill can provide. And so, last fall, I decided to do something different. I decided to go back to school to learn how to to help those who are heart sick. I enrolled in college (once again) to get a degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. I'm still trying to figure it all out, but it's time to take this step. I haven't left the pharmacy and am still not sure what the future holds in either realm, I just know it's time for me to learn how to help those who have pain no pill can heal. And again, something that would be hard to do at this stage with a husband and family.
You know, my life is no where near what I thought it would be when I was a young girl. And that's actually a good thing. My Gram told me once when we were eating together that life was too short to not be happy. Sometimes though, we have to choose happy. And so, washing my face, I choose to embrace my happy and all that will come. So much of the first 40 years I lived in survival and meeting expectations. I still have at least 60% of my life left - I plan to live it embracing happy, loving and being loved, spoiling kids, and helping people heal in their most tender spots. My God planted a dream bigger than any I could come up with on my own and by embracing His dream, I choose happy.
