God shows up in the most peculiar places sometimes. And He really doesn't care if you're ready for Him or not. Because guess what? He can do anything He wants to anyone He chooses, anytime and anywhere. When you're God, you kinda get that privilege. So walking on the treadmill at 6:20 in the morning at the gym seems like a perfectly logical place for Him to show up, right? Ok, in my mind when I was talking to Him last night at home seems more reasonable - but maybe the more correct statement here is when I was talking "at Him." And He decided to wait until He could get my undivided, quasi-unselfish attention. Thus the treadmill . . .
To be honest, things have been a little rocky lately. I now have a better handle on the why, but let's not spoil the surprise. I had a friend challenge me a couple of weeks ago to find time with Him. I had to spend time with Him or things weren't going to get better. So God and I started talking - or, more accurately, I started talking to/at Him. But I wasn't doing much listening. And I was getting angry because I didn't think He was listening. Or if He was, all He was saying was "NO" and I didn't think that was fair. I thought my requests were justified. But He was listening. He always is. And He was saying "NO" - not because He is hateful, but because He had something better.
Trying to kill an hour on the treadmill can sometimes be a chore in itself. I had my iPad and was going to listen to some music, but as I opened it, the Bible App caught my attention. When was the last time I had opened it? How far behind was I with my Professor Horner Bible Reading System? Oh, why not - I've got to get through 55 more minutes. I reset my reading to "catch me up" so that it would take me to the last day I read. And my reading today started with Matthew 27. Guess what Matthew 27 is about? Yeah, the death of Jesus. I've read this before. I've heard this a million times during the Easter season. Let's get through this passage. Man it's a long passage . . .
"Now from the sixth hour there was darkness over all the land until the ninth hour. And about the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, "Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?" that is, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Matthew 27:45-46)
Pause . . . re-wind. Re-read. "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" What????
"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"
Wait a minute . . . Jesus was what??? Forsaken??? Abandoned by God the Father??? I think the people who printed the Bible may have missed a little on the emotion of the moment.
"MY GOD, MY GOD, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?"
"And Jesus cried out again with a loud voice (John 19:30 records his words, "It is finished") and yielded up his spirit. And behold, the curtain of the temple was torn in two, from top to bottom. And the earth shook, and the rocks were split." (Matt 27:51)
If I hadn't been on the treadmill with a belt moving below my feet, I think I would have hit a dead stop.
"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"
"It is finished."
"And the curtain in the temple was torn in two, from top to bottom."
And the tears came. And God whispered, "I have NEVER forsaken you, Carrie Beth. NEVER and I NEVER WILL. I abandoned my Son for you. And when He said, 'IT IS FINISHED,' that is exactly what it meant. FINISHED. He was abandoned, forsaken for you, so you would never be. I opened the way. From me to you. Top to bottom. You cannot do anything to make me leave you. NOTHING.
I have heard every prayer and in my mercy have said, 'NO.' I have seen every tear and where you felt I was being silent, abandoning you, I was holding you tighter than you realized. Do you understand there is NOTHING you can do to change how I feel about you? I LOVE YOU. You don't have to try. You don't have to work. You don't have to do anything but let ME LOVE YOU. I always have and I always will."
There was no noise. There was no one else in the gym at that moment because in that moment, all that existed was God and me. And all the fears and all the failures and all the mistakes and all the pain and all the hurt and all the sadness came pouring out. "God you just don't get it. I'm not good enough. I'm not enough." And He gave me this song . . .
How Can it Be? - Lauren Daigle
"You plead my cause, you right my wrongs, you break my chains, you overcome. You gave Your life, to give me mine, You say that I am free. How can it be?"
"I've been hiding, Afraid I've let you down, inside I doubt, That you still love me, But in your eyes there's only grace now."
"Though I fall, You can make me new, From this death I will rise with you. Oh the grace reaching out for me. How can it be? How can it be?"
Look at all the "yous." Where is there anything about what I've done? He's done it all. And I just get all the benefits.
But today must have been a 2:1 special because He decided not to stop there. These words flooded my mind.
"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." (Heb 4:15-16)
Then Jesus posed this question. "You understand that there is nothing you go through, nothing you feel, nothing you think that I haven't already been through. You understand that, right?"
"Yes."
"Then do you also understand that while I have been through everything you ever will, there is something I went through you never will. Do you know what it is?"
"I think you are about to tell me."
"I was forsaken. For you. So you don't have to be. So you never will be. You will always have my mercy and my grace. Always. But you have to accept that it is enough. It's time you understand that I am enough. It's not about you being enough. I am enough."
Silence and sweaty, salty tears. "You break my chains . . ."
Recently in a conversation, a friend asked me quite directly, "When are you going to believe He is enough? You don't think He's good enough for you. You don't think He's enough."
In my pride and arrogance (yeah it comes in many forms), I replied, "It's not that He's not enough. I'm not enough."
And she said again, "No, you don't think He is enough. It has nothing to do with you."
Smart lady she is. While I wasn't boasting about my greatness, my pride and arrogance lay in my focus on my inadequacies. In some twisted sense being "proud" of not being enough. But He said, "It is finished."So yeah, I was saying He wasn't enough. But He is . . .
"Inside I doubt, That you still love me, But in your eyes there's only grace now."
How many times have I asked, demanded to know, if He loved me? And how fearful, how questioning of the love of other people. "How can anyone love THIS?" But man, if I can't get that He loves me . . . If I can't get that HE IS ENOUGH and it's only grace, there is no way I'm ever going to get that of a mere person. Of course I'm going to question every relationship. Of course I'm going to try to love and do and be in order to deserve love. And of course in my pride, it will never be enough. I will always be afraid that I will let Him down or let someone down because I didn't love "right" or "enough. Because see, I didn't think He was enough. But He is . . .
And seeing that He is enough, it changes the motivation of love. I do and I am because HE IS ENOUGH. It's love for the sake of love. Not trying to earn or be "enough" and find a deserving pat on the head. It's because HE is enough - His love is enough and in His love I can do and be for real and for honest. Love becomes freedom and is no longer a chore for acceptance.
"Oh the grace reaching out for me. How can it be?" Notice - it is reaching for me. Not me for it. God was/is grabbing hold of me and hanging on. He's not going to let go. Ever. Because HE IS ENOUGH.
How can it be? I don't know. But what do I know? HE IS ENOUGH and because He is - so am I.
