My name is Carrie Beth and until April 9, 2014 I was convinced I was a Christian. I can even give you the date of the day I prayed the "sinner's" prayer (November 14, 1984 for anyone who's interested). We were Presbyterian so there weren't any aisles to walk, but at a Lay Renewal - I prayed that prayer. Why? Out of the fear of hell - or as understood by a 7 year old, eternal punishment. And so I figured I was good to go. Got that out of the way. Now it's just about being the good Christian.
So I continued to go to church every week. When I was old enough I went to youth group. I was in a girl's Bible study. I led a "Bible study" at the high school. I went to church camps. I obeyed my parents (mostly). I was a DJ at the local Christian radio station. I read my Bible. I struggled and each time I "recommitted" my life to Christ. I was even re-baptized at one point. And yet there were demons and sins that I refused to confront. There were pains that were just easier to bury than face and be healed from. So I'd just keep being the "good" Christian and it would all be ok. I was saved so it really didn't matter. And while God had saved me, I wasn't entirely sure of His love for me. If He loved me, why would I have to deal with some of these things. So I'd just take care of myself. I knew I could trust me.
I left to college - a Christian college no less. And things went a little stray. I explored other denominations and then it just became easier to not go to church at all. Sundays were a good time to relax and catch up on sleep. Occasionally I'd feel "guilty" and hit church for a week or two until the feeling went away, but I was saved so it was ok. I was still walking and talking the Christian life (mostly), so while I didn't have it all together, I didn't think I was that far off. But a pattern had been created and so continued.
After my time in the undergrad school, I left and went to pharmacy school. And the spiral continued. No church - maybe 5 times in 4 years. No solid "Christian" activities or friends. And sins that I might not have previously entertained became great temptations and stumbling stones. As much as I struggled as a teen, I had no idea of the struggles that would come during pharmacy school. Who knew the pain that would exist. It's funny - I even had a girl in my pharmacy class tell me once when I shared with her that I was a Christian, "I would have never guessed." It hurt, but it didn't really produce any change. And so did this God that I prayed to at the age of 7 really love me? I knew mentally He did, but I no longer trusted Him. If He did love me, this would not be my life. But it was.
After school I moved back home. At first there was no church - it was a habit by now. But it was what the family did and so I went. And things were better. And seeing the people and developing friendships, I could come to the mental assertion again that God loves me. And I could tell other people that. So I started leading a Bible Study at my house. And I was in a single's group at church. And I was reading good Christian books. I got involved in leadership in a Bible study. And tried to read my Bible and pray because I wanted to be a good Christian. That's what good Christians did. And I wanted to be that.
I talked to people about how God loved them. How special they were to Him. I would tell them I would pray for them (and most of the time I did). I believed in God's grace and mercy and love ... for other people. I told people how much He cared for them (and I believed every word). I loved and supported and did everything I could . . . but it never seemed to be adequate or enough. I was really trying hard to be the Christian I thought I should be. And I thought it was enough to give Him the mental assent that I loved Him and believed He loved me. Even if I didn't trust Him. Even if I thought that what He had to offer was for everyone else - but not for me.
Roots grow deep. And they were gnarled and wrapped deeply in the soil of my heart. From time to time, I'd try to deal with them, but it hurt so I'd leave them alone. And I built a wall of stone to protect my heart. To hide what was inside. To prevent myself from being hurt. And I knew if I could just keep it buried deep and hidden, that it would be enough. I could continue to live and do and be and it would be enough. It had to be enough.
But God doesn't work that way. And so very gently, he took a sledgehammer and began smashing the rock hard covering that protected my heart. (It's ok - you can chuckle here. I kinda expect it.) He brought friends into my life who truly cared - coffee and trips and lunches and fun times and great memories (you guys are precious to me). They took time with me and showed me love.
He placed some very telling books into my path (I love to read) that made me begin to question what I was doing and where I was going. I became unsettled (not sure that's the right word) at my church and by 3 God-ordained coincidences (and for the record, I don't believe in coincidences), I was led to be part of a different church. And it was right, but I hoped that none of them could see my doubts. I had learned to hold my cards close and trust myself. But God . . .
Vulnerability. Had to get there to get through the rock to the roots. Somebody had to show me that it was ok to be vulnerable. That people could be trusted. That ultimately God could be trusted. That it didn't just have to be me. And so God placed that someone in my life. She laid her cards out on the table and never asked to see mine. I've so often been accused of getting into people's lives and heads through the "back door." I find out way more about them than they will ever know about me. I don't mind other people being vulnerable - but you're not gonna see it from me. Glad you shared - sorry I won't. Hmmmm
Church sermon. The Book of Acts. Believers having all things in common and being of one heart and mind. You share with your family . . . You share with your family . . . Ok, fine, I'll share but it will be the same as it always has been and she'll leave. I'll lose a friend. But I had to give it a try. And you know what, for such a time as this. God chose this person to share with me so that I could. And I did. And she didn't run away or call me defiled or say she didn't want me around. She listened and loved and prayed.
And so we shared some more. And the roots began to show. And we did a study on those roots and how you can't just mow things over, they have to come out. But it had always hurt too much in the past. And what if exposing them - trying to get them out cost too much. I couldn't trust Him that it would make my life any better. But I was sure getting tired of running - sure getting tired of fighting. And we talked and shared and prayed some more.
Then there was this invitation to a conference called T4G (Together for the Gospel - Google it). Sounded great, going with some people from church. It will be cool. I really enjoy the Christian stuff. Oh but God . . . And it started so well. I mean come on, 7000+ men singing hymns - wow!! And the speakers were pretty great. A lot of names I knew, quite a few I didn't. But really good - and I felt like I probably needed to talk through some of it. But it would wait . . . God's timing is perfect.
Wednesday Morning, April 9th. The first speaker was Kevin DeYoung. "We have nothing to offer the world if we don't have the truth." "Do you really believe that the word of God is sufficient to do the work of God?" Wow. Good stuff. Thought-provoking stuff. Next was David Platt. "We have a defective understanding of God's providence." (side note - massive understatement) "The perfections, purposes and promises of God are unchanging, but his plan is always unfolding." Hmmmmmmm. Then - the rip your heart out stories of a trip to Nepal and not being able to help a little girl who spit on him as he left. To tell the story of girls as young as 5!!!!! sold into the sex trafficking. My heart tore open and the tears came and wouldn't stop. If I could have gotten out and left I would have. Fortunately, I was sandwiched in between people. Oh my - how can a loving God be trusted that He is who He says He is and that says He loves the way He loves - how can He be this way????? How can He allow such horrors??
Going back to my room, I couldn't quit crying. My heart was ripping in two and I had never felt so much pain. I called my friend and asked her to come down to my room. Right before she arrived, I got a phone call and was pulled back together (sort of). Minimal chatting and then she asked what was wrong. I didn't know what to say but the pain came back and this time there was anger. She said she was going to leave if I didn't want to talk and suddenly it all came flooding out. Pains from the past and the confession that "I don't trust God. How can I believe His love with all this crap (paraphrase)." I confessed that I even hated to think or feel that way as a Christian. Point blank she asked why did I think everyone else deserved His love and grace and I didn't. Why was He not good enough for me. I argued that it wasn't Him, but it was me. I wasn't good enough, deserving enough - there was too much garbage. And she agreed :-). But that's where grace comes from. That's what grace is. Undeserved, transforming, life-changing grace.
She pulled up her Bible and read . . . "For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified." (Romans 8)
I was already called, justified and will be glorified. It wasn't about me or my works or how I looked. It wasn't about my past pains and failures. It wasn't about me - it never has been. It has always been HIS GRACE. She prayed - I'm pretty sure for an hour or more and God ripped every last root out of my heart that had been tangled and confused and hurting for so long. Never has there been such pain or so many tears - but what followed - never has there been such peace. God's peace. God's grace. God's mercy. God's forgiveness. God's grace. There wasn't some happy "rah-rah" emotion. It was peace "that passes all understanding."
She looked at me - "Do you believe He loves you?" Yes. "Do you trust Him?" YES. For the first time I could honestly say I trusted Him with my life, with my heart, with me. Because His grace was finally understood. It was finally real. I started to get it. I can control no part of my salvation. I am saved by grace. I was chosen by Him - before time began - and that gift of grace existed from that very moment. And I got it.
Some people who read this blog and know me are going to think - yeah it was just a learning time - you've always been a great Christian. You were just having a "re-dedication" time. Getting things back on track. Some people are going to read this blog and say - it was a long 30 years before you became a Christian. That's not what I want to be foremost. What I found that had been missing was His Grace. And finding that, changed everything. God's grace changes EVERYTHING. If you read nothing else, if you hear nothing else, just hear His grace. "He saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life." (Titus 3:5-7)
Grace, grace, God's grace, grace that will pardon and cleanse within; grace, grace, God's grace, grace that is greater than all our sin!
Sin and despair, like the sea waves cold, threaten the soul with infinite loss; grace that is greater, yes, grace untold, points to the refuge, the mighty cross.
Grace, grace, God's grace, grace that will pardon and cleanse within; grace, grace, God's grace, grace that is greater than all our sin!
Dark is the stain that we cannot hide. What can avail to wash it away? Look! There is flowing a crimson tide, brighter than snow you may be today.
Grace, grace, God's grace, grace that will pardon and cleanse within; grace, grace, God's grace, grace that is greater than all our sin!
Marvelous, infinite, matchless grace, freely bestowed on all who believe! You that are longing to see his face, will you this moment his grace receive?
Grace, grace, God's grace, grace that will pardon and cleanse within; grace, grace, God's grace, grace that is greater than all our sin!"
I talked to people about how God loved them. How special they were to Him. I would tell them I would pray for them (and most of the time I did). I believed in God's grace and mercy and love ... for other people. I told people how much He cared for them (and I believed every word). I loved and supported and did everything I could . . . but it never seemed to be adequate or enough. I was really trying hard to be the Christian I thought I should be. And I thought it was enough to give Him the mental assent that I loved Him and believed He loved me. Even if I didn't trust Him. Even if I thought that what He had to offer was for everyone else - but not for me.
Roots grow deep. And they were gnarled and wrapped deeply in the soil of my heart. From time to time, I'd try to deal with them, but it hurt so I'd leave them alone. And I built a wall of stone to protect my heart. To hide what was inside. To prevent myself from being hurt. And I knew if I could just keep it buried deep and hidden, that it would be enough. I could continue to live and do and be and it would be enough. It had to be enough.
But God doesn't work that way. And so very gently, he took a sledgehammer and began smashing the rock hard covering that protected my heart. (It's ok - you can chuckle here. I kinda expect it.) He brought friends into my life who truly cared - coffee and trips and lunches and fun times and great memories (you guys are precious to me). They took time with me and showed me love.
He placed some very telling books into my path (I love to read) that made me begin to question what I was doing and where I was going. I became unsettled (not sure that's the right word) at my church and by 3 God-ordained coincidences (and for the record, I don't believe in coincidences), I was led to be part of a different church. And it was right, but I hoped that none of them could see my doubts. I had learned to hold my cards close and trust myself. But God . . .
Vulnerability. Had to get there to get through the rock to the roots. Somebody had to show me that it was ok to be vulnerable. That people could be trusted. That ultimately God could be trusted. That it didn't just have to be me. And so God placed that someone in my life. She laid her cards out on the table and never asked to see mine. I've so often been accused of getting into people's lives and heads through the "back door." I find out way more about them than they will ever know about me. I don't mind other people being vulnerable - but you're not gonna see it from me. Glad you shared - sorry I won't. Hmmmm
Church sermon. The Book of Acts. Believers having all things in common and being of one heart and mind. You share with your family . . . You share with your family . . . Ok, fine, I'll share but it will be the same as it always has been and she'll leave. I'll lose a friend. But I had to give it a try. And you know what, for such a time as this. God chose this person to share with me so that I could. And I did. And she didn't run away or call me defiled or say she didn't want me around. She listened and loved and prayed.
And so we shared some more. And the roots began to show. And we did a study on those roots and how you can't just mow things over, they have to come out. But it had always hurt too much in the past. And what if exposing them - trying to get them out cost too much. I couldn't trust Him that it would make my life any better. But I was sure getting tired of running - sure getting tired of fighting. And we talked and shared and prayed some more.
Then there was this invitation to a conference called T4G (Together for the Gospel - Google it). Sounded great, going with some people from church. It will be cool. I really enjoy the Christian stuff. Oh but God . . . And it started so well. I mean come on, 7000+ men singing hymns - wow!! And the speakers were pretty great. A lot of names I knew, quite a few I didn't. But really good - and I felt like I probably needed to talk through some of it. But it would wait . . . God's timing is perfect.
Wednesday Morning, April 9th. The first speaker was Kevin DeYoung. "We have nothing to offer the world if we don't have the truth." "Do you really believe that the word of God is sufficient to do the work of God?" Wow. Good stuff. Thought-provoking stuff. Next was David Platt. "We have a defective understanding of God's providence." (side note - massive understatement) "The perfections, purposes and promises of God are unchanging, but his plan is always unfolding." Hmmmmmmm. Then - the rip your heart out stories of a trip to Nepal and not being able to help a little girl who spit on him as he left. To tell the story of girls as young as 5!!!!! sold into the sex trafficking. My heart tore open and the tears came and wouldn't stop. If I could have gotten out and left I would have. Fortunately, I was sandwiched in between people. Oh my - how can a loving God be trusted that He is who He says He is and that says He loves the way He loves - how can He be this way????? How can He allow such horrors??
Going back to my room, I couldn't quit crying. My heart was ripping in two and I had never felt so much pain. I called my friend and asked her to come down to my room. Right before she arrived, I got a phone call and was pulled back together (sort of). Minimal chatting and then she asked what was wrong. I didn't know what to say but the pain came back and this time there was anger. She said she was going to leave if I didn't want to talk and suddenly it all came flooding out. Pains from the past and the confession that "I don't trust God. How can I believe His love with all this crap (paraphrase)." I confessed that I even hated to think or feel that way as a Christian. Point blank she asked why did I think everyone else deserved His love and grace and I didn't. Why was He not good enough for me. I argued that it wasn't Him, but it was me. I wasn't good enough, deserving enough - there was too much garbage. And she agreed :-). But that's where grace comes from. That's what grace is. Undeserved, transforming, life-changing grace.
She pulled up her Bible and read . . . "For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified." (Romans 8)
I was already called, justified and will be glorified. It wasn't about me or my works or how I looked. It wasn't about my past pains and failures. It wasn't about me - it never has been. It has always been HIS GRACE. She prayed - I'm pretty sure for an hour or more and God ripped every last root out of my heart that had been tangled and confused and hurting for so long. Never has there been such pain or so many tears - but what followed - never has there been such peace. God's peace. God's grace. God's mercy. God's forgiveness. God's grace. There wasn't some happy "rah-rah" emotion. It was peace "that passes all understanding."
She looked at me - "Do you believe He loves you?" Yes. "Do you trust Him?" YES. For the first time I could honestly say I trusted Him with my life, with my heart, with me. Because His grace was finally understood. It was finally real. I started to get it. I can control no part of my salvation. I am saved by grace. I was chosen by Him - before time began - and that gift of grace existed from that very moment. And I got it.
Some people who read this blog and know me are going to think - yeah it was just a learning time - you've always been a great Christian. You were just having a "re-dedication" time. Getting things back on track. Some people are going to read this blog and say - it was a long 30 years before you became a Christian. That's not what I want to be foremost. What I found that had been missing was His Grace. And finding that, changed everything. God's grace changes EVERYTHING. If you read nothing else, if you hear nothing else, just hear His grace. "He saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life." (Titus 3:5-7)
"Marvelous grace of our loving Lord, grace that exceeds our sin and our guilt! Yonder on Calvary's mount outpoured, there where the blood of the Lamb was spilt.
Grace, grace, God's grace, grace that will pardon and cleanse within; grace, grace, God's grace, grace that is greater than all our sin!
Sin and despair, like the sea waves cold, threaten the soul with infinite loss; grace that is greater, yes, grace untold, points to the refuge, the mighty cross.
Grace, grace, God's grace, grace that will pardon and cleanse within; grace, grace, God's grace, grace that is greater than all our sin!
Dark is the stain that we cannot hide. What can avail to wash it away? Look! There is flowing a crimson tide, brighter than snow you may be today.
Grace, grace, God's grace, grace that will pardon and cleanse within; grace, grace, God's grace, grace that is greater than all our sin!
Marvelous, infinite, matchless grace, freely bestowed on all who believe! You that are longing to see his face, will you this moment his grace receive?
Grace, grace, God's grace, grace that will pardon and cleanse within; grace, grace, God's grace, grace that is greater than all our sin!"
Thank you God - thank you for my new life. I love you and trust you. Here I am.
