Who I Am

I never cease to be amazed by how God works. Sometimes my blogs take a bit to get to the main starting point, but tonight, I'm just sitting here writing this and in awe that the Most High would orchestrate the evening to culminate with a song that I needed to hear. If you've read any of my blogs, you know that music is one thing that has a way of getting in deep to the heart of hearts. Music has often been what smacks me with truth. Tonight was no different. 

Remind Me Who I Am - Jason Gray

Truth - it's easy to fall prey to the lies of this world. How many of these have you heard? "You're stupid. You'll never measure up. You'll never be as good as . . . You're fat. You're ugly. You're worthless. You're a slut. You're not worth my time or energy. You're expendable. You're replaceable. You're unlovable. No one cares about you. No one wants you around. There is nothing good about you. You have nothing to offer." Do I need to go on? Is that list enough to trigger a "Yeah, I've heard that." Is it enough to trigger a "Yeah, I believe that about me (or have believed that about me)." And honestly, I'm sure I've missed a few. These are just a few I have heard. 

Where do the lies come from? Have you heard them from someone - maybe someone you love or who you thought loved you? Do you just hear them in your head - seeds planted by the ugliness of the world we live in or perhaps even by the forces of darkness at work in this present age. Maybe it's some combination of these. All you know for sure is that there are days - maybe even stretches of time - when you feel like you're simply taking up space and you really don't matter.

So you "try" and you "do" in hopes of overcoming those things you hear in your head. You try to bury them, put on a happy face, say it's ok and move on. The problem is, now you're lying to yourself as well.  And fine, take that approach but things are just brewing and bubbling below the surface and at some point I guarantee they will erupt. How that happens or looks is different for everyone but very rarely (if ever) is it pretty. 

We try to dull the feelings or refocus them to something else. Drugs, alcohol, sex, doing good things to compensate, rebelling, self-injury, exercise . . . the list is endless. And yes, we even do things that would generally be "good" for us to drown out what is running through our heads. But none of that is ever going to fix and heal the heart. We are still wearing the same labels. And in order to truly move on, we have to be relabeled. We have to learn who we are because of Him. 

Do you need to be reminded of who you are? Can you see your new labels? Do you need to know what He calls you?

You are beloved. "I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine." You are holy - God's chosen ones. You are a new creation - the old has gone, all things have been made new. You are beautiful. You are royalty. You are desired. You are wanted. You are forgiven. You are righteous. You are His child. You are free. You are an heir. You are blameless. You are redeemed. You are His masterpiece. You are complete. You are beloved. You are beloved. You are beloved. 

It's time. Let Him remove the lies and place His name on you. Let Him call you who you are. Will it be easy? No. Will you never think about the lies ever again? Oh how I wish that were true. But if nothing else, be reminded and take the label - beloved. Because that's who and what you are. 

"When I lose my way, And I forget my name, Remind me who I am. In the mirror all I see, Is who I don't wanna be, Remind me who I am. In the loneliest places, When I can't remember what grace is.

Tell me once again who I am to You, Who I am to You. Tell me lest I forget who I am to You,
That I belong to You. To You.

When my heart is like a stone, And I'm running far from home, Remind me who I am. When I can't receive Your love, Afraid I'll never be enough, Remind me who I am. If I'm Your beloved, Can You help me believe it.

Tell me once again who I am to You, Who I am to You, whoa. Tell me lest I forget who I am to You. That I belong to You. To You.

I'm the one you love, I'm the one you love, That will be enough, I'm the one you love.

Tell me once again who I am to You. Who I am to You. Tell me lest I forget who I am to You,
That I belong to You, oh.

Tell me once again who I am to You. Who I am to You. Tell me lest I forget who I am to You,
That I belong to You. To You."

Tales from the Unsaved Christian

Ok. Strange title I know. But I guarantee it caught your eye. And I also know that some will get it and some will not. And that's ok. Well, not really, but you get my drift. I'm just going to tell my story.

My name is Carrie Beth and until April 9, 2014 I was convinced I was a Christian. I can even give you the date of the day I prayed the "sinner's" prayer (November 14, 1984 for anyone who's interested). We were Presbyterian so there weren't any aisles to walk, but at a Lay Renewal - I prayed that prayer. Why? Out of the fear of hell - or as understood by a 7 year old, eternal punishment. And so I figured I was good to go. Got that out of the way. Now it's just about being the good Christian. 

So I continued to go to church every week. When I was old enough I went to youth group. I was in a girl's Bible study. I led a "Bible study" at the high school. I went to church camps. I obeyed my parents (mostly). I was a DJ at the local Christian radio station. I read my Bible. I struggled and each time I "recommitted" my life to Christ. I was even re-baptized at one point. And yet there were demons and sins that I refused to confront. There were pains that were just easier to bury than face and be healed from. So I'd just keep being the "good" Christian and it would all be ok. I was saved so it really didn't matter. And while God had saved me, I wasn't entirely sure of His love for me. If He loved me, why would I have to deal with some of these things. So I'd just take care of myself. I knew I could trust me. 

I left to college - a Christian college no less. And things went a little stray. I explored other denominations and then it just became easier to not go to church at all. Sundays were a good time to relax and catch up on sleep. Occasionally I'd feel "guilty" and hit church for a week or two until the feeling went away, but I was saved so it was ok. I was still walking and talking the Christian life (mostly), so while I didn't have it all together, I didn't think I was that far off. But a pattern had been created and so continued. 

After my time in the undergrad school, I left and went to pharmacy school. And the spiral continued. No church - maybe 5 times in 4 years. No solid "Christian" activities or friends. And sins that I might not have previously entertained became great temptations and stumbling stones. As much as I struggled as a teen, I had no idea of the struggles that would come during pharmacy school. Who knew the pain that would exist.  It's funny - I even had a girl in my pharmacy class tell me once when I shared with her that I was a Christian, "I would have never guessed." It hurt, but it didn't really produce any change. And so did this God that I prayed to at the age of 7 really love me? I knew mentally He did, but I no longer trusted Him. If He did love me, this would not be my life. But it was.

After school I moved back home. At first there was no church - it was a habit by now. But it was what the family did and so I went. And things were better. And seeing the people and developing friendships, I could come to the mental assertion again that God loves me. And I could tell other people that. So I started leading a Bible Study at my house. And I was in a single's group at church. And I was reading good Christian books. I got involved in leadership in a Bible study. And tried to read my Bible and pray because I wanted to be a good Christian. That's what good Christians did. And I wanted to be that.

I talked to people about how God loved them. How special they were to Him. I would tell them I would pray for them (and most of the time I did). I believed in God's grace and mercy and love ... for other people. I told people how much He cared for them (and I believed every word). I loved and supported and did everything I could . . . but it never seemed to be adequate or enough. I was really trying hard to be the Christian I thought I should be. And I thought it was enough to give Him the mental assent that I loved Him and believed He loved me. Even if I didn't trust Him. Even if I thought that what He had to offer was for everyone else - but not for me.

Roots grow deep. And they were gnarled and wrapped deeply in the soil of my heart. From time to time, I'd try to deal with them, but it hurt so I'd leave them alone. And I built a wall of stone to protect my heart. To hide what was inside. To prevent myself from being hurt. And I knew if I could just keep it buried deep and hidden, that it would be enough. I could continue to live and do and be and it would be enough. It had to be enough.

But God doesn't work that way. And so very gently, he took a sledgehammer and began smashing the rock hard covering that protected my heart. (It's ok - you can chuckle here. I kinda expect it.) He brought friends into my life who truly cared - coffee and trips and lunches and fun times and great memories (you guys are precious to me). They took time with me and showed me love.

He placed some very telling books into my path (I love to read) that made me begin to question what I was doing and where I was going. I became unsettled (not sure that's the right word) at my church and by 3 God-ordained coincidences (and for the record, I don't believe in coincidences), I was led to be part of a different church. And it was right, but I hoped that none of them could see my doubts. I had learned to hold my cards close and trust myself. But God . . .

Vulnerability. Had to get there to get through the rock to the roots. Somebody had to show me that it was ok to be vulnerable. That people could be trusted. That ultimately God could be trusted. That it didn't just have to be me. And so God placed that someone in my life. She laid her cards out on the table and never asked to see mine. I've so often been accused of getting into people's lives and heads through the "back door." I find out way more about them than they will ever know about me. I don't mind other people being vulnerable - but you're not gonna see it from me. Glad you shared - sorry I won't. Hmmmm

Church sermon. The Book of Acts. Believers having all things in common and being of one heart and mind. You share with your family . . . You share with your family . . . Ok, fine, I'll share but it will be the same as it always has been and she'll leave. I'll lose a friend. But I had to give it a try. And you know what, for such a time as this. God chose this person to share with me so that I could. And I did. And she didn't run away or call me defiled or say she didn't want me around. She listened and loved and prayed.

And so we shared some more. And the roots began to show. And we did a study on those roots and how you can't just mow things over, they have to come out. But it had always hurt too much in the past. And what if exposing them - trying to get them out cost too much. I couldn't trust Him that it would make my life any better. But I was sure getting tired of running - sure getting tired of fighting. And we talked and shared and prayed some more.

Then there was this invitation to a conference called T4G (Together for the Gospel - Google it). Sounded great, going with some people from church. It will be cool. I really enjoy the Christian stuff. Oh but God . . . And it started so well. I mean come on, 7000+  men singing hymns - wow!! And the speakers were pretty great. A lot of names I knew, quite a few I didn't. But really good - and I felt like I probably needed to talk through some of it. But it would wait . . . God's timing is perfect.

Wednesday Morning, April 9th. The first speaker was Kevin DeYoung. "We have nothing to offer the world if we don't have the truth." "Do you really believe that the word of God is sufficient to do the work of God?" Wow. Good stuff. Thought-provoking stuff. Next was David Platt. "We have a defective understanding of God's providence." (side note - massive understatement) "The perfections, purposes and promises of God are unchanging, but his plan is always unfolding." Hmmmmmmm. Then - the rip your heart out stories of a trip to Nepal and not being able to help a little girl who spit on him as he left. To tell the story of girls as young as 5!!!!! sold into the sex trafficking. My heart tore open and the tears came and wouldn't stop. If I could have gotten out and left I would have. Fortunately, I was sandwiched in between people. Oh my - how can a loving God be trusted that He is who He says He is and that says He loves the way He loves - how can He be this way????? How can He allow such horrors??

Going back to my room, I couldn't quit crying. My heart was ripping in two and I had never felt so much pain. I called my friend and asked her to come down to my room. Right before she arrived, I got a phone call and was pulled back together (sort of). Minimal chatting and then she asked what was wrong. I didn't know what to say but the pain came back and this time there was anger. She said she was going to leave if I didn't want to talk and suddenly it all came flooding out. Pains from the past and the confession that "I don't trust God. How can I believe His love with all this crap (paraphrase)." I confessed that I even hated to think or feel that way as a Christian. Point blank she asked why did I think everyone else deserved His love and grace and I didn't. Why was He not good enough for me. I argued that it wasn't Him, but it was me. I wasn't good enough, deserving enough - there was too much garbage. And she agreed :-). But that's where grace comes from. That's what grace is. Undeserved, transforming, life-changing grace.

She pulled up her Bible and read . . . "For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified." (Romans 8)

I was already called, justified and will be glorified. It wasn't about me or my works or how I looked. It wasn't about my past pains and failures. It wasn't about me - it never has been. It has always been HIS GRACE. She prayed - I'm pretty sure for an hour or more and God ripped every last root out of my heart that had been tangled and confused and hurting for so long. Never has there been such pain or so many tears - but what followed - never has there been such peace. God's peace. God's grace. God's mercy. God's forgiveness. God's grace. There wasn't some happy "rah-rah" emotion. It was peace "that passes all understanding." 

She looked at me - "Do you believe He loves you?" Yes. "Do you trust Him?" YES. For the first time I could honestly say I trusted Him with my life, with my heart, with me. Because His grace was finally understood. It was finally real. I started to get it. I can control no part of my salvation. I am saved by grace. I was chosen by Him - before time began - and that gift of grace existed from that very moment. And I got it. 

Some people who read this blog and know me are going to think  - yeah it was just a learning time - you've always been a great Christian. You were just having a "re-dedication" time. Getting things back on track. Some people are going to read this blog and say - it was a long 30 years before you became a Christian. That's not what I want to be foremost. What I found that had been missing was His Grace. And finding that, changed everything. God's grace changes EVERYTHING. If you read nothing else, if you hear nothing else, just hear His grace. "He saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life." (Titus 3:5-7)

"Marvelous grace of our loving Lord, grace that exceeds our sin and our guilt! Yonder on Calvary's mount outpoured, there where the blood of the Lamb was spilt.

Grace, grace, God's grace, grace that will pardon and cleanse within; grace, grace, God's grace, grace that is greater than all our sin!

Sin and despair, like the sea waves cold, threaten the soul with infinite loss; grace that is greater, yes, grace untold, points to the refuge, the mighty cross.

Grace, grace, God's grace, grace that will pardon and cleanse within; grace, grace, God's grace, grace that is greater than all our sin!

Dark is the stain that we cannot hide. What can avail to wash it away? Look! There is flowing a crimson tide, brighter than snow you may be today.

Grace, grace, God's grace, grace that will pardon and cleanse within; grace, grace, God's grace, grace that is greater than all our sin!

Marvelous, infinite, matchless grace, freely bestowed on all who believe! You that are longing to see his face, will you this moment his grace receive?

Grace, grace, God's grace, grace that will pardon and cleanse within; grace, grace, God's grace, grace that is greater than all our sin!"

Thank you God - thank you for my new life. I love you and trust you. Here I am. 

You are a Child of Mine

I like to bake. I like to be in the kitchen. If you know me, you know how true that is. But very few of you probably know the WHY. In the kitchen is where I have my best time with God. It's where we have our very best conversations - kinda like coffee with a friend. It's also where He likes to take me when He has something very important to show me or teach me. I can bake - it's therapeutic. We talk. I talk and so does He. Here's the thing - I like to bake/cook whatever you want to call it on a normal day. But there are days when my soul longs for it. And when that happens I know I'm in a place of much needed fellowship with my Father. When my heart is unsettled and the first thought is "I need to make something in the kitchen" - it's a guarantee that God has some unfinished business.

So it was tonight. And before I go much further, I need to apologize to a dear friend. You've listened and you've loved and you've cared and you've prayed and I'm sorry I took you and your gift of you for granted. You have always, consistently lived your Jesus in front of me and I am so thankful. But it was more than that - and I had to be broken to see it. So I'm sorry for taking so long to hear and believe.

OK - so what???? Randomness - it's me. I don't even know exactly how to start this. I've really been in a funk lately. And I've been struggling some days just to put one foot in front of the other. Talk about an Eeyore. I've gotten very introspective - and I'm sorry but whoever said that is a good idea is full of crap. Then problem is, when we look in - we are looking at ourselves and have taken our eyes off Jesus. We are creating ourselves as our own idol. And this is very much not a good place to be. Because it's here that we are sometimes reminded of our past or our current or fears of the future. We (I) begin to hear the voice of self-doubt, criticism - guilt and fear and shame run deep. "You're never going to be good enough. You're a disappointment. You've screwed up. You're lazy, you're fat, you're stupid, you're . . ." Pick your favorite. There's probably something in that list that has run through your head. But what about "So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." (Jn 8:36). OR "For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery." (Gal 5:1) If I'm hearing and more specifically believing the voices, then where is freedom???

So . . . my goodness guess what??? A song . . .

You are a child of mine

"You are a child of Mine, born of My own design and you bear the heart of life. No matter where you go, oh, you will always know you have been made free in Christ. You are a child of mine."

I am His child. I am born of His design, "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." (Psalm 139:13-16)

Seriously???? Someone who is fearfully and wonderfully made - cannot ever be a disappointment. That would be saying God created a disappointment. Did God screw up when He made me??? I don't think so. Did God make something that wasn't "good" - that is to say - junk? Really??? But isn't that what I'm telling Him I believe whenever I allow myself to believe the lies? By dwelling on these things, believing them - accepting them as even partial truths - what an absolute insult to my Creator, my Father.

I am HIS child. I am His and He has set me free. I am not under the slavery of guilt or sin or shame. All the yuck and nastiness and tainted life of sin - He took it. He gave me in its place HIS robe of righteousness.

"Ahhhh, but yes. But think of your past, think of what you've done, think about who you've been. Really, you think you can ever be free from that???"

OK. Stop. Here's the down low on that - lie from the PIT OF HELL. "So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." There is no qualification on that. It is what it is. Truth to stand on. So yes, I have a past. I have sin. I have things that could keep me wallowing in shame and guilt. But wow - look. It's me again. The focus is me - and I think we already know I'm a pretty crappy idol.

Yes, I've been forgiven. Yes, I am free of any guilt or shame - He has taken it all. BUT, maybe, just maybe there's even more to it than that. Stuff happens. Daily. Remember however, nothing happens outside of His control. Nothing happens without His OK. So knowing that little tidbit of information, here's a thought . . . I can be thankful for those times. No that was not a mistake or a stutter on the keyboard. I can thank Him for my past experiences. I can thank Him for the crap that comes with living in an imperfect world. Why? Because He has a reason. Nothing is by chance, nothing is for naught. Even if it's just to give the entry to be broken before Him, it was worth it. And maybe the opportunity comes to share with someone else held in bondage in similar sins or circumstances that there is freedom in Christ. "I am His and I am free." If one person can be encouraged, challenged, set free because of Christ working in my circumstances - I would do it all again. He did it for me. How can I do any less?

So the lies - that's what they are - nope! Not accepting them. I'm free. I am His child. He created me, he knew every page in my life book before my existence. He knew the goods, the bads and the uglies. And He loved me - and He set me free from all of them. I'm never going to be good enough. I don't have to be - He is and I'm wearing His robe.

I guess it all comes down to this. We've each one been created by a loving Heavenly Father. We are unique and no one else can ever be who we are or give what we can. He has an individual plan and purpose. Mine is not the same as any one else. And if I live in bondage to being good enough or trying to meet some other person's "good enough" - it's never gonna happen!! And I can try to keep the peace and be what everyone else would hope or want, but then I'm not being who He designed me to be. And there is no freedom there.

So it's time to stop looking at the past. It's time to stop looking at me. It's time to stop looking at what others want me to be (or what I perceive they want me to be). It's time to rest in Him. Find freedom in Him and not submit again to the yoke of slavery. I have been fearfully and wonderfully made and my life is His written work. My responsibility is to just let Him be God and then be who He created me to be.

Ahhhh what joy and peace there is in the freedom that comes from being a child of God.

Life is Precious and Short

I was on Facebook last night and a friend of mine had posted a comment. I'm going to paraphrase part of it. "We are meant to live God-sized lives. Life is short and precious. Don't live life afraid!" That really hit a chord with me. I began to wonder what I'm not living because I'm afraid. Some of you who read this and know me may be thinking, "I didn't know you were afraid of anything. You kill spiders with the best of them. You sleep in pitch black. You eat strange food. . ."

Guess what? I am afraid. I'm afraid of letting people down. I'm afraid of disappointing people. I'm afraid to touch on hard subjects because I might offend someone. I'm afraid to love because there might be hurt. I'm afraid to let go because I don't know where I'm going to fall. I'm afraid to take chances because I don't know the logical end. I'm afraid to be me, because you might not like me (you being general public, no one specifically). Am I afraid? Absolutely. But guess what? Life is short and precious. A vapor. What am I wasting by living afraid? What am I missing?

Why am I afraid? The King of Kings and Lord of Lords knows my name. The author of life wants me to call Him "Daddy." He chose me as His very own. He didn't wait for me to choose Him. He didn't ask me to make a choice - He knew I couldn't. He chose me. And I'm afraid because ?????

http://youtu.be/S0cMVmr11bY - I'm not exactly sure on an iPad how to change the link to the name of a song, but this is Sidewalk Prophets "Live Like That."

"I want to live like that, and give it all I have so that everything I say and do points to You. If love is who I am, then this is where I'll stand, recklessly abandoned never holding back. I want to live like that." 

So many great lyrics in this song. I think though, maybe living that God-sized life has a lot to do with living unafraid and living love. Am I going to do great big,noticeable things? I don't know. But honestly, I don't know that I want to. Mother Teresa said, "Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love." Great things meaning those things that the world sees as great. But is what I'm doing showing greatness because of the great love for my King? Am I doing what He's called me to do? Am I being who He created me to be? Am I reaching out to the people He has placed in my life to love with His love? Or am I living my life afraid?

If I am whose I say I am - then why is there any fear? "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." I John 4:18a. Thought - if there is no fear in perfect love, then am I afraid of being loved perfectly? Think about it - from whom does perfect love come? God right? So am I afraid to let Him love me perfectly? Punch in the gut. Is that what I'm saying, "God, I don't want all Your love. I don't want all Your grace. I don't want all of You. I don't want You to have all of me." Is that what I'm saying living afraid? Ouch - ok, uncle. 

I'm tired of living afraid. I'm tired of living my life to "keep the peace." I'm tired of trying to do and be the "right" person so you'll like me. (Again you general public). I don't want to hurt anyone, but I don't want to be afraid of living who He has called me to be because I might hurt you (general public). If I accept His perfect love for me, I will live His perfect love. But His perfect love wasn't always peaceful and easy. Am I willing to let go - to not be afraid and accept that life isn't meant to always be peaceful and easy? Am I willing to live my life knowing He's the only one who truly matters anyway? If I'm living, pointing to Him in all I say and do, then I'm living His love and I'm living unafraid. And that sounds like a very good way to live. 

Life is short and precious. Don't live life afraid!